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Three Reasons Your Toxic Break Up Is A Great Thing

Break ups are excruciating.  That’s why there are so many sad country songs about them.   Break ups create insecurities, amplify our critical inner voice and parade our flaws for everyone to see.  Our instinct, or our desperate hope, is to not feel even a drop of pain.  Not feeling any pain is impossible, but we try with distractions, denial or a nice bottle of wine.

Breaking up with a toxic human adds a whole new level of agony because there is no closure, your self-esteem is buried somewhere in the backyard like a body and hope hangs around like second-hand smoke.  I was in the middle of berating myself for feeling sad over someone that hurt me on a daily basis, when I looked at this journey in a different way.  Instead of looking at what I lost – I opened up to how full my life is with or without my ex.  I realized that with my ex out of the house and out of my life, everything felt lighter.  I discovered three reasons my break up is a good thing.  See if these truths help you too.

  1. This is the catalyst to discovering who I really am and being my true self – I have nothing to lose now – my toxic ex already walked out of the door.  The relationship wasn’t based on the real me.

 

  1. My mind is free to focus on accomplishing my dream of publishing a book. (The break-up helped me rediscover why I had that dream) I spent way too much time defending myself in my mind.

 

  1. I am starting fresh – healing what led me to attract a toxic man, asking what I value and learning how to set boundaries.  I put up with and overlooked sooo much abuse and b.s.!

There is no ‘correct’ way to move on from a toxic relationship – the most important thing to remember is giving yourself grace.

 

Namaste!

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WHOSE DISCARD IS IT ANYWAY?

I’ve spent hours wrapping my mind around the dissolution of our five-year lie and the cruel way my soon-to-be ex-narcissistic husband left.  But, like all the effort and emotion I threw at this relationship, it’s wasted energy.  In reality, he controlled the dramatic ending, but I choose to stay gone and move on.  He discarded me first.  But, I discard the lie, hope he’ll change – the man he really is without the ‘mask’.  I choose to gather the shredded remains of my self-esteem and to stop long enough for the left-behind pieces of myself catch up.

Our initial status conference is the end of January – bringing with it the finality of this twisted journey and my first glimpse of this man since he stormed out the front door to our house in December.  My inner voice is shallow at first blush – telling me I better look fantastic – lose five pounds, get my hair done and wear those tight jeans and cute shoes he used to ask me to wear on “date night”.  The unease felt heavy in my stomach, just like old times with my soon-to-be ex.  He needs to regret walking away, realize he’s a dumbass for letting me go.

But, basing any kind of closure or even a spec of validation on a narcissist is begging for more pain.  They don’t give anything – except destruction and dark energy.  My inner voice kept talking, whispering about bringing my true self to the initial status conference – focus on the good coming into my life now that his toxicity is gone – like my beautiful clarity now that he’s out of my life.  Thriving after the narcissistic discard is most important, not what he thinks or feels.

Whether my shallow inner voice or my empowering inner voice is talking – both know that the best revenge is finding a better life without his manipulation, criticism and the toxic relationship.   He doesn’t have the capacity for regret – good thing I don’t need it.

Namaste!

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DON’T CRY AND DRIVE – EGO DECISIONS VERSUS SOUL DECISIONS

Us humans will do anything to not feel the pain of divorce and rejection.  Before you order that round of shots, buy that expensive whatever, or book a flight to Alaska, ask – is this a soul decision or an ego decision?  Ego decisions don’t usually end well.

 

I went out with a friend the night my husband moved out.  It was a great idea at the time, the distraction, the idea of “I don’t care because I’m having a drink while he unpacks his bags at his dad’s house,” was perfect.  The bar/restaurant was one of my favorites and not a place we ever went together.  My drink was pink and fruity and the conversation was hilarious, but I hysterical cried on the inside.  We called it a night around 11, late enough to confirm that I didn’t care but early enough to not feel like crap the next day.  (When you pass 40 – sleep can make or break you the next day) The tears fell for real about 2 minutes into my 20-minute drive home.  I was so caught up in my misery by the time I was within 1 mile of my house, I didn’t stop completely before turning right at a flashing red light.  And of course, there was a cop watching to tell me so.  Crying and driving is a bad idea – it slows your reflexes, clouds your judgement and makes you a soggy mess, and apparently, a driving hazard.

 

His cop lights went on and I pulled over, chastising my life, “Seriously?! Can you give me a break?!”  I rolled my window down, license and registration in hand.  I can’t really describe the cop because my sobbing obscured pretty much everything.  But he seemed on the taller side. He explained how I failed to make a complete stop at the flashing red light.  I nodded and blurted out how this was just another bad thing in my life – losing my job, my health scare, and now my husband moving out…  At this point, any shred of sanity or dignity deserted me.  If emotional shock is a real thing, then I was in the throes of that, hyperventilating and everything.  The cop paused for a second, took my documents and walked away.  I sobbed and whispered incoherent things to myself while I waited for my ticket and asked myself why I thought it was a good idea to go out tonight.  Why did I cry and drive?

 

The cop returned, handed me my license and registration and … a warning!  A warning!  I was so relieved and you would think it ended there.  But it didn’t.  Nope – I was still caught up in my misery. I started driving home and then, found myself turning around to ask that cop if there were resources for verbal abuse.  What?!  I know – but my mind felt like it was cracking, my heart was drowning and I had to talk to someone.  Anyone.

 

I turned my car around, found him sitting in the same spot and, stopping at that flashing red light for a full five seconds, parked behind him.  I’m sure he thought I was crazy as I walked up to his window and asked him if there was a verbal abuse hotline.  “Did anything happen tonight?” he asked.  I told him no, my chest heaving, my nose running.  He stared at me for a minute, nodded his head and wrote a number on the back of his business card.  I took the card, heaved a shaky sigh and got back in my car.  My thoughts volleyed back and forth between humiliation and disbelief.  Did I really just do that, tell a stranger – a cop stranger that my husband is verbally and emotionally abusive?  Yes, I did.  Going out for drinks maybe wasn’t the best idea.

 

RECOVERING FROM A BREAK-UP MAKING DECISIONS UNDER STRESS

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The number one distinction between your true self and your ego

Raw truths come in innocent, unexpected moments. They are frightening but never judgmental. Even though you ask why your life sucks, you tend to shove truths aside when they show up.

So, finding a way to listen when your true self-speaks, embracing the truths and acting on them are the most brutal, and most important things to do.

I took our puppies outside, obsessing over a fight with my husband. Hubby is sore spot in my life, on my heart. By sore spot I mean itchy and inflamed, the “he is incapable of empathy”, kind of sore. I’ve asked how to untangle myself from this on a daily basis.

This truth swept through my mind in a silent but devastating breath. Standing in the front yard, two puppies tugging in opposite directions on their leashes, my true self finally spoke up. It’s hard to listen to your true self because you need to trust that it’s her or him talking. But how do you know?

I am scared to own my life – As miserable as I am in this toxic relationship – if I just focus on my life, then failure is all mine, the result of my untethered decisions.

My mind was filled with my latest marriage drama … and then suddenly it wasn’t. The sun was setting. The street was empty. There wasn’t even a breeze to disturb so much as a hair on my head. The truth just walked in, bringing a calm sort of desolation and a taste of sadness. “If you leave – you’ll have all this space in your mind to focus on your life – make your own decisions.” I realized that this freedom, on some level, scared me. I would own my life and my own possible failure.

Whether my “self-esteem crisis” was a symptom of years of emotional abuse in this marriage, my previous marriage, or a scar from my childhood, owning my life felt cold and impossible. The truth has always been there – a glaring “should do, need to”. Like an uneasy sense that someone is watching.

I smiled, sad and oddly empowered; listening to my true self meant there was no going back to oblivious. You can’t un-know a truth. It’s what you do with it after that counts.

The dogs tugged harder on their leashes and the drama resumed its space in my mind. I went back inside the house, still obsessing over hurtful words, but with a changed perspective.

That truth changed the direction of my life. I started to detach from the blame and drama, stopped denying the fact that this marriage was abusive.

We all get tangled in our lives and or relationships. Our truths emerge during unexpected moments, so listening to them is critical. If a thought, a knowing, separates itself from the mental fray – stop and listen – it is your truth speaking.

I am a Colorado native, on my second marriage, raising three kiddos, trying to navigate the corporate world, fulfill my dreams, while keeping a thread of sanity.  My life experiences are anything but ordinary – they are good, bad and ugly.  Some are hilarious at the time, and some funny after.   All are a means to grow!

This blog is meant to relate to woman of all ages and backgrounds who have life all figured out, pretend their life is all figured out or gave up pretending.  I am proof that you are not alone.  My greatest challenge is recovering from emotional/narcissistic abuse.  This blog also speaks to those in abusive or challenging relationships, with empathy, tools to empower and the power of experience to relate.  My mission is to show you, through my crazy life experiences, that we are all strong enough to conquer our fears, stand by our true self and laugh at ourselves along the way.

Namaste!

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