Search

Hot Mess Experiences

Inspiration for women in relationships, life, work and raising kids.

Open Search
Tag

toxic relationships

Two Truths And A Lie – Empower You After A Toxic Conversation

Toxic relationships suck the confidence out of even the most badass person.  I mean, we’re all badass on some level.  But, a toxic person’s mind games and ‘crazy making’ tactics tangle-up your heart, mind and body with invisible chains – you obsess, defend who you are and suppress your true feelings without realizing it.

I fell prey to the circular conversations, criticism and manipulation for years until one day, after a typical criticism fest, I noticed that I was spending hours having a rebuttal conversation in my head.  I thought about every reason my ex was wrong about me.  I stopped and asked myself, “Why are you trying to convince yourself of something you already know?”  The answer was simple – I was responding to the negative things he said about me as if they were true.  Only I know what is true about me.

My defensiveness and the hurt I experienced with each of these conversations came from the fact that my ex was wrong about me.   He painted me as all black or all white – all good or all bad.  Well, there was a grain of truth in some of what he said – but he exaggerated or outright projected untruths about me – I am not selfish, not making him treat me this way and don’t make decisions that only benefit me.  We all have our moments of putting ourselves first and I made decisions that protected me and my three kiddos.  Me making him treat me like crap was a straight-up lie.

I started looking at my truths and his lies – breaking that habit or cycle of handing all the power over to my ex by standing on my truths and my reality.  Two truths and a lie helped empower me to stand up for myself and avoid the crazy making moments.  Here’s how it works:

After a negative conversation acknowledge two truths – these can be true feelings,  what you want to change about your situation, how the conversation affected you, if any part of the conversation had truth to it (of course, accept this truth without judging you)

For example, after that particular conversation my two truths were:

  1. I don’t trust my own husband anymore – emotionally or otherwise
  2. I am a giving person – my husband is the only person who has ever accused me of being selfish.

Now acknowledge one lie from your conversation

For example, I acknowledged that my ex telling me that I only make decisions that benefit me is a lie.

Finding two truths and a lie allowed me to stop that endless loop of negative /defensive thoughts and focus on empowering thoughts.  The next time you get caught up in a toxic conversation, see if this strategy can help you.

 

Namaste!

0

Three Reasons Your Toxic Break Up Is A Great Thing

Break ups are excruciating.  That’s why there are so many sad country songs about them.   Break ups create insecurities, amplify our critical inner voice and parade our flaws for everyone to see.  Our instinct, or our desperate hope, is to not feel even a drop of pain.  Not feeling any pain is impossible, but we try with distractions, denial or a nice bottle of wine.

Breaking up with a toxic human adds a whole new level of agony because there is no closure, your self-esteem is buried somewhere in the backyard like a body and hope hangs around like second-hand smoke.  I was in the middle of berating myself for feeling sad over someone that hurt me on a daily basis, when I looked at this journey in a different way.  Instead of looking at what I lost – I opened up to how full my life is with or without my ex.  I realized that with my ex out of the house and out of my life, everything felt lighter.  I discovered three reasons my break up is a good thing.  See if these truths help you too.

  1. This is the catalyst to discovering who I really am and being my true self – I have nothing to lose now – my toxic ex already walked out of the door.  The relationship wasn’t based on the real me.

 

  1. My mind is free to focus on accomplishing my dream of publishing a book. (The break-up helped me rediscover why I had that dream) I spent way too much time defending myself in my mind.

 

  1. I am starting fresh – healing what led me to attract a toxic man, asking what I value and learning how to set boundaries.  I put up with and overlooked sooo much abuse and b.s.!

There is no ‘correct’ way to move on from a toxic relationship – the most important thing to remember is giving yourself grace.

 

Namaste!

0

Three Empowering Ways to Spend Valentine’s Day After a Toxic Relationship Ends

Even the most cynical heart can feel devastated on V-Day after a narcissistic discard.  That’s the funny – not funny part, your emotions are all over the place – not settled in relief, or anger or sadness – so when a romantic holiday comes along – how do you cope with mixed emotions?  Or, for the romantic V-Day people – how do you survive sans valentine?   I came up with three ways to survive and even thrive on Valentine’s Day after a toxic relationship ends.

I am not a romantic V-Day person, but I am wondering just how bad V-Day will feel this year without my ex valentine.   Will I end up quiet-crying in the office bathroom, or will Valentine’s Day be a day to love myself?  My ex narcissist used to go all out with flowers, cards and stuffed bears – ironically, his birthday is on the same day.  We would celebrate both, so I am feeling an odd sense of dread mixed with freedom to focus on me now.  I am trying three ways to show myself some love on V-Day sans valentine.

  1. A morning meditation to send love to my ex (yes, to my ex!) and to myself (Sending love to my ex puts me in a lighter place)
  2. Doing one thing I have always wanted to do but haven’t – I am scheduling an infrared treatment at a spa
  3. Sending 1-3 friends funny Valentine’s cards

Moving on from a toxic relationship is hard enough without Valentine’s Day falling right in the middle of recovering.  Focusing self-love combined with doing something new just might make me feel amazing rather than sad.  I am giving these three ways a try.  Try them with me!

 

Namaste!

 

 

0

Divorcing In Winter – Is It More Difficult?

Divorce is a short ride to hell on its own.  But having sobbed during a blizzard and obsessed about my soon-to-be ex while shoveling snow, my unfortunate divorce from a narcissist in December led me to the question – Does winter make divorce hurt more?  If divorce hits harder in winter, what can I do about it?

I say HELL YES, divorce sucks worse in winter.  Winter’s artic cold, snowy roads and shorter days makes me hibernate – by that I mean – on winter nights you can’t pry me out of my house with a crowbar.  As the sun sets early evening, my anxiety rises.  And even on somewhat decent days – the dreariness of winter makes me sad.  I am not sure if it literally makes me sad, as in Season Affective Disorder (SAD), but it’s somewhere close.  Adding a divorce to this winter season, makes the cold days and nights that much colder.

I couldn’t find any research that talked specifically about winter making divorce seem harder in winter without a reference to Season Affective Disorder.  So, I did a little research and found the official definition of SAD. According to The National Institute of Mental Health, (NIH) SAD is a type of depression that starts around fall/early winter and ends in spring/summer. SAD has a recurring seasonal pattern and you have to meet the full criteria for major depression coinciding with specific seasons, meaning winter or sometimes summer, for at least 2 years.  It seems that technically, a divorce won’t bring on SAD, or make you depressed, but I still say winter makes the emotions surrounding a divorce more intense.

If winter does make a divorce worse, what can we do about it?   I recently started this book, Before You Know It, and one fascinating study associated heat/warmth with feeling better emotionally.  The book talked about anything warm, coffee, soup, and a special treatment called Whole Body Hyperthermia (WBH).  My initial status conference is tomorrow and I am sad and nervous to see my soon-to-be ex for the first time in months.  I can’t get in for a whole-body hyperthermia treatment – so I am experimenting with hot chocolate, a heating pad and the sauna after my work out tomorrow morning.  Will let you know if it actually makes a dent in this winter divorce misery.

Namaste!

0

When Your Fear Gets Too Heavy – Set It Down

When it gets too heavy – set it down.  That goes for luggage and emotions. I know you have to feel emotions to process and get through them – but given a chance – emotions will drag you to the deep end of the misery pool and hold your head under water.  Surviving a toxic relationship straddles that fine line between self-torture and growing past the hurt.  The pain and emotions will get too heavy.  At some point – you have to put it all down for a minute and find the faith that the relationship ending is necessary for your survival, that you’ll be just fine.

I discovered this gem of insight while listening to sad music and freaking out over my divorce.  I went to send my soon-to-be ex-husband a song and stopped myself because I realized the person I was sending it to is just a black hole.  The man I thought I married never existed.  I had a mini panic attack – with the pit in my stomach and the sensation of my mind breaking.  My thoughts went to “I can’t do this alone,” and “I know that the good guy never existed.”  Sadly, my heart still has hope we will get back to the way it was in the beginning.  Wanting to talk the very person who cut your soul so deeply is a disturbing place to be.  No contact is a promise to yourself that’s hard to keep.

I got to the edge of that deep end and paused.  Eyes blurry with tears, I literally said, “I am in fear right now.  This fear is too heavy, so I am setting it down.”   I know this is me being strong.  Yes, strong.  My soon-to-be ex left.   There is a fear and uncertainty where his criticism and dark energy used to be.  I may not know what’s worse – but damn it I will heal what I need to in order to start over and choose a different life.    Fear and panic will find their way onto my shoulders tomorrow, but for now I’m lighter.

Namaste!

0

WHOSE DISCARD IS IT ANYWAY?

I’ve spent hours wrapping my mind around the dissolution of our five-year lie and the cruel way my soon-to-be ex-narcissistic husband left.  But, like all the effort and emotion I threw at this relationship, it’s wasted energy.  In reality, he controlled the dramatic ending, but I choose to stay gone and move on.  He discarded me first.  But, I discard the lie, hope he’ll change – the man he really is without the ‘mask’.  I choose to gather the shredded remains of my self-esteem and to stop long enough for the left-behind pieces of myself catch up.

Our initial status conference is the end of January – bringing with it the finality of this twisted journey and my first glimpse of this man since he stormed out the front door to our house in December.  My inner voice is shallow at first blush – telling me I better look fantastic – lose five pounds, get my hair done and wear those tight jeans and cute shoes he used to ask me to wear on “date night”.  The unease felt heavy in my stomach, just like old times with my soon-to-be ex.  He needs to regret walking away, realize he’s a dumbass for letting me go.

But, basing any kind of closure or even a spec of validation on a narcissist is begging for more pain.  They don’t give anything – except destruction and dark energy.  My inner voice kept talking, whispering about bringing my true self to the initial status conference – focus on the good coming into my life now that his toxicity is gone – like my beautiful clarity now that he’s out of my life.  Thriving after the narcissistic discard is most important, not what he thinks or feels.

Whether my shallow inner voice or my empowering inner voice is talking – both know that the best revenge is finding a better life without his manipulation, criticism and the toxic relationship.   He doesn’t have the capacity for regret – good thing I don’t need it.

Namaste!

0

SURVIVE YOUR FIRST CHRISTMAS WITHOUT YOUR NARCISSIST

My Narcissistic Husband Discarded Me – Merry Christmas To Me

 My narcissistic husband leaving right before Christmas was his gift to me. My mind knows this, but my heart is still numb.  The criticism and negative energy is gone – and he’s not around to make snide comments or discuss his needs until I scream.  Somehow, I’m still expecting the “idealizer” to return and tell me it’s a crazy nightmare.  But the good guy never really existed, and I can’t return the “discarder’s” gift. On weak nights, I want to exchange it for my old life back.  I try not to judge myself on those nights.

I’m surviving Christmas on my own, raw and confused.   My mind tortures me by tearing apart the relationship piece by painful piece.  Something about closure.  He left in true narcissistic fashion, cold and cruel.   So, I used Christmas shopping as a distraction and decorated the house as if my heart wasn’t shattered.

His leaving is a gift because I wasn’t strong enough and my spirit wouldn’t have survived the toxic relationship another year with him.  The no contact, while excruciating, has allowed my true self to emerge.  She’s strong as hell and showing me how to survive this Christmas on my own.  There are gifts to open as I go – inner gifts of truth and a resilient soul.

Analyzing the marriage kept me tied to the narcissist’s reality, something that was never real – I needed to focus on how to heal and reconnecting to the parts of me I left behind.  The narcissist creates fear and desperation.  The best revenge, so to speak, is through inner strength – living a congruent life.  I was mad at myself for feeling anything but relief.  Pain was my enemy – but I was too tired to fight that enemy – I discovered the light on the other side of the dark thoughts.

These thoughts tortured me until I followed them through to the other side:

  1. Jealousy will eat me alive when he finds someone else or if he has already found someone else – the other side – his being with someone else doesn’t touch my life anymore
  2. The “nice guy” was an illusion, a lie – the other side – this is my chance to start over and find a man who has empathy, kindness, resonance and the ability to truly connect (When I get caught up remembering the painful experiences, I ask to attract the type of guy next time who gives me what I need)
  3. It’s so hard starting over – the other side – this is me being strong. Good things will enter my life now that the negative energy is gone.

With narcissistic abuse, it’s impossible to see through the pain, but their discard is a gift – giving you the distance needed to see their lies, the permission to feel your true feelings and the chance to heal what you need to heal to find a real good guy.

Namaste!!

0

DON’T CRY AND DRIVE – EGO DECISIONS VERSUS SOUL DECISIONS

Us humans will do anything to not feel the pain of divorce and rejection.  Before you order that round of shots, buy that expensive whatever, or book a flight to Alaska, ask – is this a soul decision or an ego decision?  Ego decisions don’t usually end well.

 

I went out with a friend the night my husband moved out.  It was a great idea at the time, the distraction, the idea of “I don’t care because I’m having a drink while he unpacks his bags at his dad’s house,” was perfect.  The bar/restaurant was one of my favorites and not a place we ever went together.  My drink was pink and fruity and the conversation was hilarious, but I hysterical cried on the inside.  We called it a night around 11, late enough to confirm that I didn’t care but early enough to not feel like crap the next day.  (When you pass 40 – sleep can make or break you the next day) The tears fell for real about 2 minutes into my 20-minute drive home.  I was so caught up in my misery by the time I was within 1 mile of my house, I didn’t stop completely before turning right at a flashing red light.  And of course, there was a cop watching to tell me so.  Crying and driving is a bad idea – it slows your reflexes, clouds your judgement and makes you a soggy mess, and apparently, a driving hazard.

 

His cop lights went on and I pulled over, chastising my life, “Seriously?! Can you give me a break?!”  I rolled my window down, license and registration in hand.  I can’t really describe the cop because my sobbing obscured pretty much everything.  But he seemed on the taller side. He explained how I failed to make a complete stop at the flashing red light.  I nodded and blurted out how this was just another bad thing in my life – losing my job, my health scare, and now my husband moving out…  At this point, any shred of sanity or dignity deserted me.  If emotional shock is a real thing, then I was in the throes of that, hyperventilating and everything.  The cop paused for a second, took my documents and walked away.  I sobbed and whispered incoherent things to myself while I waited for my ticket and asked myself why I thought it was a good idea to go out tonight.  Why did I cry and drive?

 

The cop returned, handed me my license and registration and … a warning!  A warning!  I was so relieved and you would think it ended there.  But it didn’t.  Nope – I was still caught up in my misery. I started driving home and then, found myself turning around to ask that cop if there were resources for verbal abuse.  What?!  I know – but my mind felt like it was cracking, my heart was drowning and I had to talk to someone.  Anyone.

 

I turned my car around, found him sitting in the same spot and, stopping at that flashing red light for a full five seconds, parked behind him.  I’m sure he thought I was crazy as I walked up to his window and asked him if there was a verbal abuse hotline.  “Did anything happen tonight?” he asked.  I told him no, my chest heaving, my nose running.  He stared at me for a minute, nodded his head and wrote a number on the back of his business card.  I took the card, heaved a shaky sigh and got back in my car.  My thoughts volleyed back and forth between humiliation and disbelief.  Did I really just do that, tell a stranger – a cop stranger that my husband is verbally and emotionally abusive?  Yes, I did.  Going out for drinks maybe wasn’t the best idea.

 

RECOVERING FROM A BREAK-UP MAKING DECISIONS UNDER STRESS

0

One Reason Crying in Public is A Good Thing – Even “Ugly” Crying

Sadness hijacked me, so crying in public was inevitable.  I cried in Starbucks, at the gym and at Barnes & Noble among the books in the relationship section.  How fitting.  My crying jag ended with a great book on toxic relationships and the start of a new friendship.   Society is afraid to show sadness – but that closes us off to the support of other humans.  I say – if you’re going to cry in public then “ugly cry”, honey.

I need to rewind. My soon-to-be ex narcissist walked out after blaming me for his emotional affair with a twenty-four year old girl.  (I mean come on!!)  To say I was hurt, angry and bewildered is an understatement, so I called my friends to sort through my toxic relationship, admittedly ad nauseam.

Talking to friends can be dangerous if they don’t understand what emotional abuse does to a person’s psyche.  This friend told me, “Shame on you for letting him beat you down every day.”  That hurt, but when she added how she was too strong to ever experience that, I lost it.  Of course, this twisted pep talk happened as I walked into Starbucks.  Having reached an emotional saturation point, I wrote for an hour before succumbing to a crying spell.  Embarrassed, I went to the gym to sweat it out.

Now, all of this is important, promise!  As a spiritual person, I believe in signs.  Cosmic signs, angels showing up – what ever you want to call it.  At the gym, I hopped on the elliptical, so I could read the book, The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein.  Gabrielle referenced another book, A Course in Miracles, and I felt an uncontrollable urge to find it.

Tearing up at the gym was my cue to leave.  Barnes & Noble was the logical next stop.  I headed straight for the customer service desk and asked the lady behind the counter where the books on narcissistic abuse and grieving would be.  She escorted me to the section and as she grabbed a book from the shelf, I started to sob.  Exposed in the midst of an ugly cry, I explained how my husband just moved out in an extremely narcissistic fashion and how our toxic relationship had gotten in the way of grieving my mother’s passing two years ago.

The customer service lady nodded her understanding, and mentioned how she knew all too well what I was going through.  She started crying.  There were two other customers in that book section.  Our crying triggered some innate empathy response, and they started crying.  The customer service lady left in the wake of a sniffle, but was immediately followed by another Barnes & Noble employee.  She said, “I hear people are crying over here.  Do you ladies need some tissue?”  Of course, we needed tissue, so she got a box of Kleenex, offered to hug us all and left.

One of the other customers had a small sample of essential oils and, out of kindness, gave it to me.  This started a conversation and the surprise that we knew a mutual friend.  She offered to sit and commiserate with me over coffee, so we made plans to go to lunch that week.

We went to lunch and, what I hope is a long friendship, began.  This heart crushing life change, torturous soul-finding expedition and erosion of my emotional composure has shown me many truths about myself and my life, forcing me to become vulnerable in public.  If you’re crying in public, your life has reached a certain point – listen to it.  If my husband hadn’t left, if I never had that hurtful conversation with my friend and hadn’t  gone to Barnes & Noble  – I would still be ignoring the truth about my life – I’m in a toxic marriage and need to grieve my mother.

 

Namaste!

Featured post
2

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑