Search

Hot Mess Experiences

Inspiration for women in relationships, life, work and raising kids.

Open Search
Tag

narcissistic discard

Three Empowering Ways to Spend Valentine’s Day After a Toxic Relationship Ends

Even the most cynical heart can feel devastated on V-Day after a narcissistic discard.  That’s the funny – not funny part, your emotions are all over the place – not settled in relief, or anger or sadness – so when a romantic holiday comes along – how do you cope with mixed emotions?  Or, for the romantic V-Day people – how do you survive sans valentine?   I came up with three ways to survive and even thrive on Valentine’s Day after a toxic relationship ends.

I am not a romantic V-Day person, but I am wondering just how bad V-Day will feel this year without my ex valentine.   Will I end up quiet-crying in the office bathroom, or will Valentine’s Day be a day to love myself?  My ex narcissist used to go all out with flowers, cards and stuffed bears – ironically, his birthday is on the same day.  We would celebrate both, so I am feeling an odd sense of dread mixed with freedom to focus on me now.  I am trying three ways to show myself some love on V-Day sans valentine.

  1. A morning meditation to send love to my ex (yes, to my ex!) and to myself (Sending love to my ex puts me in a lighter place)
  2. Doing one thing I have always wanted to do but haven’t – I am scheduling an infrared treatment at a spa
  3. Sending 1-3 friends funny Valentine’s cards

Moving on from a toxic relationship is hard enough without Valentine’s Day falling right in the middle of recovering.  Focusing self-love combined with doing something new just might make me feel amazing rather than sad.  I am giving these three ways a try.  Try them with me!

 

Namaste!

 

 

0

When Your Fear Gets Too Heavy – Set It Down

When it gets too heavy – set it down.  That goes for luggage and emotions. I know you have to feel emotions to process and get through them – but given a chance – emotions will drag you to the deep end of the misery pool and hold your head under water.  Surviving a toxic relationship straddles that fine line between self-torture and growing past the hurt.  The pain and emotions will get too heavy.  At some point – you have to put it all down for a minute and find the faith that the relationship ending is necessary for your survival, that you’ll be just fine.

I discovered this gem of insight while listening to sad music and freaking out over my divorce.  I went to send my soon-to-be ex-husband a song and stopped myself because I realized the person I was sending it to is just a black hole.  The man I thought I married never existed.  I had a mini panic attack – with the pit in my stomach and the sensation of my mind breaking.  My thoughts went to “I can’t do this alone,” and “I know that the good guy never existed.”  Sadly, my heart still has hope we will get back to the way it was in the beginning.  Wanting to talk the very person who cut your soul so deeply is a disturbing place to be.  No contact is a promise to yourself that’s hard to keep.

I got to the edge of that deep end and paused.  Eyes blurry with tears, I literally said, “I am in fear right now.  This fear is too heavy, so I am setting it down.”   I know this is me being strong.  Yes, strong.  My soon-to-be ex left.   There is a fear and uncertainty where his criticism and dark energy used to be.  I may not know what’s worse – but damn it I will heal what I need to in order to start over and choose a different life.    Fear and panic will find their way onto my shoulders tomorrow, but for now I’m lighter.

Namaste!

0

WHOSE DISCARD IS IT ANYWAY?

I’ve spent hours wrapping my mind around the dissolution of our five-year lie and the cruel way my soon-to-be ex-narcissistic husband left.  But, like all the effort and emotion I threw at this relationship, it’s wasted energy.  In reality, he controlled the dramatic ending, but I choose to stay gone and move on.  He discarded me first.  But, I discard the lie, hope he’ll change – the man he really is without the ‘mask’.  I choose to gather the shredded remains of my self-esteem and to stop long enough for the left-behind pieces of myself catch up.

Our initial status conference is the end of January – bringing with it the finality of this twisted journey and my first glimpse of this man since he stormed out the front door to our house in December.  My inner voice is shallow at first blush – telling me I better look fantastic – lose five pounds, get my hair done and wear those tight jeans and cute shoes he used to ask me to wear on “date night”.  The unease felt heavy in my stomach, just like old times with my soon-to-be ex.  He needs to regret walking away, realize he’s a dumbass for letting me go.

But, basing any kind of closure or even a spec of validation on a narcissist is begging for more pain.  They don’t give anything – except destruction and dark energy.  My inner voice kept talking, whispering about bringing my true self to the initial status conference – focus on the good coming into my life now that his toxicity is gone – like my beautiful clarity now that he’s out of my life.  Thriving after the narcissistic discard is most important, not what he thinks or feels.

Whether my shallow inner voice or my empowering inner voice is talking – both know that the best revenge is finding a better life without his manipulation, criticism and the toxic relationship.   He doesn’t have the capacity for regret – good thing I don’t need it.

Namaste!

0

SURVIVE YOUR FIRST CHRISTMAS WITHOUT YOUR NARCISSIST

My Narcissistic Husband Discarded Me – Merry Christmas To Me

 My narcissistic husband leaving right before Christmas was his gift to me. My mind knows this, but my heart is still numb.  The criticism and negative energy is gone – and he’s not around to make snide comments or discuss his needs until I scream.  Somehow, I’m still expecting the “idealizer” to return and tell me it’s a crazy nightmare.  But the good guy never really existed, and I can’t return the “discarder’s” gift. On weak nights, I want to exchange it for my old life back.  I try not to judge myself on those nights.

I’m surviving Christmas on my own, raw and confused.   My mind tortures me by tearing apart the relationship piece by painful piece.  Something about closure.  He left in true narcissistic fashion, cold and cruel.   So, I used Christmas shopping as a distraction and decorated the house as if my heart wasn’t shattered.

His leaving is a gift because I wasn’t strong enough and my spirit wouldn’t have survived the toxic relationship another year with him.  The no contact, while excruciating, has allowed my true self to emerge.  She’s strong as hell and showing me how to survive this Christmas on my own.  There are gifts to open as I go – inner gifts of truth and a resilient soul.

Analyzing the marriage kept me tied to the narcissist’s reality, something that was never real – I needed to focus on how to heal and reconnecting to the parts of me I left behind.  The narcissist creates fear and desperation.  The best revenge, so to speak, is through inner strength – living a congruent life.  I was mad at myself for feeling anything but relief.  Pain was my enemy – but I was too tired to fight that enemy – I discovered the light on the other side of the dark thoughts.

These thoughts tortured me until I followed them through to the other side:

  1. Jealousy will eat me alive when he finds someone else or if he has already found someone else – the other side – his being with someone else doesn’t touch my life anymore
  2. The “nice guy” was an illusion, a lie – the other side – this is my chance to start over and find a man who has empathy, kindness, resonance and the ability to truly connect (When I get caught up remembering the painful experiences, I ask to attract the type of guy next time who gives me what I need)
  3. It’s so hard starting over – the other side – this is me being strong. Good things will enter my life now that the negative energy is gone.

With narcissistic abuse, it’s impossible to see through the pain, but their discard is a gift – giving you the distance needed to see their lies, the permission to feel your true feelings and the chance to heal what you need to heal to find a real good guy.

Namaste!!

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑