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Conquering Fears

How to find purpose behind unwanted change in life

Finding Purpose In Change

My life changed a year ago – I mean, it’s unrecognizable from what it was.  Life before was  a corporate office, cubicles and business casual – in marketing.  Today it’s  a construction site,  a construction trailer and steel toe boots.  I am an Assistant Superintendent for a builder, a woman “Super” with a little industry knowledge and so much to learn.  I didn’t just wake up on the site one day, with a caulking gun in my hand, and not remember what happened.  Certain events, like my husband leaving and my contract marketing job going bye-bye, led me to this new life.  I tread water in the newness everyday – afraid that I can’t … build houses, read a plot plan, figure out how to make this new life work. The questions running a constant loop in my mind – “Why?”  “What’s the purpose of this?”

Unexpected changes in life are painful and scary.  In the end, change – big or small, good or bad –  leads you somewhere  better, someplace stronger.  Change you didn’t plan on, didn’t ask for and didn’t want is like a bitch-slap across your face.  But – how do you find purpose behind the change?

Most days I say I’ve been pushed out of my comfort zone – maybe I’m just be in an episode of “The Twilight Zone”.  (for those of you born in 2000 or later – The Twilight Zone was a t.v. show based on people in surreal situations or nightmares.)

Managing Anxiety During Change

Change brings anxiety, it’s never comfortable.  It helps to believe that the events in your life – give you something, teach you something or set you on a new path.  I’ve battled anxiety my entire life.  So, if I hadn’t found some good amongst the chaos, I would have gone crazy.  My detour to construction started with a divorce, and the end of a Marketing Coordinator job.  My husband was leaving at the same time my source of income disappeared.  I was offered a job for a builder and took it with the intention of getting back into marketing ASAP.   But my life didn’t follow that intention.  So, I had anxiety on top of anxiety, a constant pit in my stomach.

Thirteen months later, my divorce behind me, I am at a construction site in Aurora, CO.  With a dry sense-of-humor and a growing list of knowledge including; how to caulk a  counter top, what a knee wall is and how to install a charlie bar.  I am more comfortable and confident every day.  Some might even say I am a “Bad A$$”

Tired of the fear and the questions, I got quite long enough for the answers to come.  I looked at what my new life was showing me, what the challenges in this job were giving me – besides anxiety.  I realized that this job is actually forcing me to execute – to just figure it out and “do it” – no matter how scared I am.  My life before the change hit, I let myself quit.  I’ve told myself that I am not enough and it’s ok to walk away from a challenge.

Self doubt has no place in the construction industry.  My life before was centered on self-doubt.  It’s making me face a habit from childhood – giving up because I told myself “I can’t”.  On the job site – “I can’t” isn’t an option.  I asked myself – what cosmic reason was I in this place in my life?  The answer that came back – I am meant to face a childhood self-esteem issue – my lack of it.  This change is setting me up with new skills and new confidence to create great things in my life.

Everyday – I thank the universe for this job – for its challenges and its victories.  While I do wish I didn’t have to drive to the grocery store to pee (I don’t like the porta-pottie) – I am becoming a bada$$!  When you find yourself in a strange new place in life – stop and ask – “What is this change showing me?”  The answer may pleasantly surprise you.

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Loss Of A Marriage Is Painful! Here’s How To Ease The Pain

Change for the most part is dark and scary.  We cling to the familiar like a life raft as we experience unexpected challenges or disappointment.  We find comfort by saying, “Well, I still have this or that.”  Or, “These parts of my life remain the same.”  What if you experience a major loss?  What if your marriage ends and the foundation of your life is swept away in one big wave?

When your life will never be the same,  when familiar is a distant horizon and you’re treading water, try this one emotional shift.  Surrender your old life to the past and base your happiness on what ever island you’re stranded on.  In other words, stop comparing how you are or feel based on life before.  Ask what will give you joy today if today is your only unit of measure?

It sounds like this:  Instead of saying, “What will I do now?” – say, “What will I discover about myself today?”  There will be many moments of sadness and grieving that you need to process and feel.  Shifting focus to joy in the present moment helps alleviate the pain and fear during the toughest times in our lives.

This strategy can inspire positive momentum to help flow through major loss.  Your strengths emerge and new opportunities open up to you like flowers blooming.

Namaste!

 

 

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When Your Fear Gets Too Heavy – Set It Down

When it gets too heavy – set it down.  That goes for luggage and emotions. I know you have to feel emotions to process and get through them – but given a chance – emotions will drag you to the deep end of the misery pool and hold your head under water.  Surviving a toxic relationship straddles that fine line between self-torture and growing past the hurt.  The pain and emotions will get too heavy.  At some point – you have to put it all down for a minute and find the faith that the relationship ending is necessary for your survival, that you’ll be just fine.

I discovered this gem of insight while listening to sad music and freaking out over my divorce.  I went to send my soon-to-be ex-husband a song and stopped myself because I realized the person I was sending it to is just a black hole.  The man I thought I married never existed.  I had a mini panic attack – with the pit in my stomach and the sensation of my mind breaking.  My thoughts went to “I can’t do this alone,” and “I know that the good guy never existed.”  Sadly, my heart still has hope we will get back to the way it was in the beginning.  Wanting to talk the very person who cut your soul so deeply is a disturbing place to be.  No contact is a promise to yourself that’s hard to keep.

I got to the edge of that deep end and paused.  Eyes blurry with tears, I literally said, “I am in fear right now.  This fear is too heavy, so I am setting it down.”   I know this is me being strong.  Yes, strong.  My soon-to-be ex left.   There is a fear and uncertainty where his criticism and dark energy used to be.  I may not know what’s worse – but damn it I will heal what I need to in order to start over and choose a different life.    Fear and panic will find their way onto my shoulders tomorrow, but for now I’m lighter.

Namaste!

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Not Hiding The Hot Mess Any Longer

I am a Colorado native, on my second marriage, raising three kiddos, trying to navigate the corporate world, fulfill my dreams, while keeping a thread of sanity.  My life experiences are anything but ordinary – they are good, bad and ugly.  Some are hilarious at the time, and some funny after.   All are a means to grow!

This life doesn’t let you rest for long –

This blog is meant to relate to people who have life all figured out, pretend their life is all figured out or gave up pretending.  I am proof that you are not alone.  My greatest challenge is recovering from emotional/narcissistic abuse.  This blog also speaks to those in abusive or challenging relationships, with empathy, tools to empower and the power of experience to relate.  My mission is to show you, through my crazy life experiences, that we are all strong enough to conquer our fears, stand by our true self and laugh at ourselves along the way.

Namaste!

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A Short Guide To Riding Out An Emotional Rollercoaster

To feel stronger, I took his pictures down today and tore some of the cards he gave me in half.  And, full disclosure here … threw away a pair of his underwear that was in the laundry.  Throwing away his underwear felt better than anything.

It has only been a few days since my husband packed up the big television from the basement, took some of his clothes, and moved out of our house.   Riding a roller coaster through a hurricane would be a smoother ride than this, even though my true self is saying a prayer of relief because there isn’t much of her left.

Divorcing someone you loved is tragic.  Divorcing a narcissist is a different breed of hell.  I imagined leaving this toxic marriage for over year – so his emotional affair with a twenty-four-year-old woman and moving out is a gift; a gift to me and my tattered soul.  So, why am I destroyed?  Anyone living with a narcissist/psychopath or partner with borderline personality disorder can relate to those emotions that one minute hold you up and the next cut you in half.  I found a couple of ways to find peace until either the storm or the roller coaster ride ends.  Hopefully they will give you peace too.

1. Don’t fight the emotions, they fight dirty.  Emotions will win every time.   We want to resist them, but they need to come out.   The nasty urge to cry until you collapse hits in the oddest moments, made worse with helplessness and bewilderment from somewhere you didn’t know existed.  One minute, you’re washing dishes, seeing your future much stronger and more peaceful future.   The next minute, you’re thinking “What the hell”,  asking how you will “Stay Calm and Chive On,” or if there was something you should have done differently.

2. It sucks, but sitting with those dark emotions awhile, acknowledging that they are here and will return.  Accepting that emotions move through in waves makes their visit a little less pleasant.  These emotions come from a toxic relationship.  If you can think of them as releasing from your body, heart and soul, they become a good thing – even though they hurt like blazes.

3. Question what your broken mind or ego is telling you – literally.  Question them out loud if that works.  I have “I can’t do this, survive this, I’m dying,” moments at least 20 times a day.   As a particularly harsh moment of ‘I can’t do life without him’ entered my mind, I followed the fear to the end.   I looked at my life, all the things I’ve accomplished despite the constant criticism and snide comments, and said, “You’re doing life pretty good right now.”  Imagine how far you’ll go not drowning in crazy-making drama.  It worked!

A narcissist leaving is a good thing.  A fantastic gift.  When you are beaten down and your self-esteem is shredded, the gift is lost in the hurricane winds and the roller coaster gives you a permanent ‘stomach dropping’ feeling.  The reason why is elusive.  If you can accept that it hurts and sit with those emotions, they can become part of the healing and growth process.

Namaste!

 

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