Search

Hot Mess Experiences

Inspiration for women in relationships, life, work and raising kids.

Open Search
Tag

Advice

How to find purpose behind unwanted change in life

Finding Purpose In Change

My life changed a year ago – I mean, it’s unrecognizable from what it was.  Life before was  a corporate office, cubicles and business casual – in marketing.  Today it’s  a construction site,  a construction trailer and steel toe boots.  I am an Assistant Superintendent for a builder, a woman “Super” with a little industry knowledge and so much to learn.  I didn’t just wake up on the site one day, with a caulking gun in my hand, and not remember what happened.  Certain events, like my husband leaving and my contract marketing job going bye-bye, led me to this new life.  I tread water in the newness everyday – afraid that I can’t … build houses, read a plot plan, figure out how to make this new life work. The questions running a constant loop in my mind – “Why?”  “What’s the purpose of this?”

Unexpected changes in life are painful and scary.  In the end, change – big or small, good or bad –  leads you somewhere  better, someplace stronger.  Change you didn’t plan on, didn’t ask for and didn’t want is like a bitch-slap across your face.  But – how do you find purpose behind the change?

Most days I say I’ve been pushed out of my comfort zone – maybe I’m just be in an episode of “The Twilight Zone”.  (for those of you born in 2000 or later – The Twilight Zone was a t.v. show based on people in surreal situations or nightmares.)

Managing Anxiety During Change

Change brings anxiety, it’s never comfortable.  It helps to believe that the events in your life – give you something, teach you something or set you on a new path.  I’ve battled anxiety my entire life.  So, if I hadn’t found some good amongst the chaos, I would have gone crazy.  My detour to construction started with a divorce, and the end of a Marketing Coordinator job.  My husband was leaving at the same time my source of income disappeared.  I was offered a job for a builder and took it with the intention of getting back into marketing ASAP.   But my life didn’t follow that intention.  So, I had anxiety on top of anxiety, a constant pit in my stomach.

Thirteen months later, my divorce behind me, I am at a construction site in Aurora, CO.  With a dry sense-of-humor and a growing list of knowledge including; how to caulk a  counter top, what a knee wall is and how to install a charlie bar.  I am more comfortable and confident every day.  Some might even say I am a “Bad A$$”

Tired of the fear and the questions, I got quite long enough for the answers to come.  I looked at what my new life was showing me, what the challenges in this job were giving me – besides anxiety.  I realized that this job is actually forcing me to execute – to just figure it out and “do it” – no matter how scared I am.  My life before the change hit, I let myself quit.  I’ve told myself that I am not enough and it’s ok to walk away from a challenge.

Self doubt has no place in the construction industry.  My life before was centered on self-doubt.  It’s making me face a habit from childhood – giving up because I told myself “I can’t”.  On the job site – “I can’t” isn’t an option.  I asked myself – what cosmic reason was I in this place in my life?  The answer that came back – I am meant to face a childhood self-esteem issue – my lack of it.  This change is setting me up with new skills and new confidence to create great things in my life.

Everyday – I thank the universe for this job – for its challenges and its victories.  While I do wish I didn’t have to drive to the grocery store to pee (I don’t like the porta-pottie) – I am becoming a bada$$!  When you find yourself in a strange new place in life – stop and ask – “What is this change showing me?”  The answer may pleasantly surprise you.

0

Loss Of A Marriage Is Painful! Here’s How To Ease The Pain

Change for the most part is dark and scary.  We cling to the familiar like a life raft as we experience unexpected challenges or disappointment.  We find comfort by saying, “Well, I still have this or that.”  Or, “These parts of my life remain the same.”  What if you experience a major loss?  What if your marriage ends and the foundation of your life is swept away in one big wave?

When your life will never be the same,  when familiar is a distant horizon and you’re treading water, try this one emotional shift.  Surrender your old life to the past and base your happiness on what ever island you’re stranded on.  In other words, stop comparing how you are or feel based on life before.  Ask what will give you joy today if today is your only unit of measure?

It sounds like this:  Instead of saying, “What will I do now?” – say, “What will I discover about myself today?”  There will be many moments of sadness and grieving that you need to process and feel.  Shifting focus to joy in the present moment helps alleviate the pain and fear during the toughest times in our lives.

This strategy can inspire positive momentum to help flow through major loss.  Your strengths emerge and new opportunities open up to you like flowers blooming.

Namaste!

 

 

0

Two Truths And A Lie – Empower You After A Toxic Conversation

Toxic relationships suck the confidence out of even the most badass person.  I mean, we’re all badass on some level.  But, a toxic person’s mind games and ‘crazy making’ tactics tangle-up your heart, mind and body with invisible chains – you obsess, defend who you are and suppress your true feelings without realizing it.

I fell prey to the circular conversations, criticism and manipulation for years until one day, after a typical criticism fest, I noticed that I was spending hours having a rebuttal conversation in my head.  I thought about every reason my ex was wrong about me.  I stopped and asked myself, “Why are you trying to convince yourself of something you already know?”  The answer was simple – I was responding to the negative things he said about me as if they were true.  Only I know what is true about me.

My defensiveness and the hurt I experienced with each of these conversations came from the fact that my ex was wrong about me.   He painted me as all black or all white – all good or all bad.  Well, there was a grain of truth in some of what he said – but he exaggerated or outright projected untruths about me – I am not selfish, not making him treat me this way and don’t make decisions that only benefit me.  We all have our moments of putting ourselves first and I made decisions that protected me and my three kiddos.  Me making him treat me like crap was a straight-up lie.

I started looking at my truths and his lies – breaking that habit or cycle of handing all the power over to my ex by standing on my truths and my reality.  Two truths and a lie helped empower me to stand up for myself and avoid the crazy making moments.  Here’s how it works:

After a negative conversation acknowledge two truths – these can be true feelings,  what you want to change about your situation, how the conversation affected you, if any part of the conversation had truth to it (of course, accept this truth without judging you)

For example, after that particular conversation my two truths were:

  1. I don’t trust my own husband anymore – emotionally or otherwise
  2. I am a giving person – my husband is the only person who has ever accused me of being selfish.

Now acknowledge one lie from your conversation

For example, I acknowledged that my ex telling me that I only make decisions that benefit me is a lie.

Finding two truths and a lie allowed me to stop that endless loop of negative /defensive thoughts and focus on empowering thoughts.  The next time you get caught up in a toxic conversation, see if this strategy can help you.

 

Namaste!

0

Three Reasons Your Toxic Break Up Is A Great Thing

Break ups are excruciating.  That’s why there are so many sad country songs about them.   Break ups create insecurities, amplify our critical inner voice and parade our flaws for everyone to see.  Our instinct, or our desperate hope, is to not feel even a drop of pain.  Not feeling any pain is impossible, but we try with distractions, denial or a nice bottle of wine.

Breaking up with a toxic human adds a whole new level of agony because there is no closure, your self-esteem is buried somewhere in the backyard like a body and hope hangs around like second-hand smoke.  I was in the middle of berating myself for feeling sad over someone that hurt me on a daily basis, when I looked at this journey in a different way.  Instead of looking at what I lost – I opened up to how full my life is with or without my ex.  I realized that with my ex out of the house and out of my life, everything felt lighter.  I discovered three reasons my break up is a good thing.  See if these truths help you too.

  1. This is the catalyst to discovering who I really am and being my true self – I have nothing to lose now – my toxic ex already walked out of the door.  The relationship wasn’t based on the real me.

 

  1. My mind is free to focus on accomplishing my dream of publishing a book. (The break-up helped me rediscover why I had that dream) I spent way too much time defending myself in my mind.

 

  1. I am starting fresh – healing what led me to attract a toxic man, asking what I value and learning how to set boundaries.  I put up with and overlooked sooo much abuse and b.s.!

There is no ‘correct’ way to move on from a toxic relationship – the most important thing to remember is giving yourself grace.

 

Namaste!

0

WHOSE DISCARD IS IT ANYWAY?

I’ve spent hours wrapping my mind around the dissolution of our five-year lie and the cruel way my soon-to-be ex-narcissistic husband left.  But, like all the effort and emotion I threw at this relationship, it’s wasted energy.  In reality, he controlled the dramatic ending, but I choose to stay gone and move on.  He discarded me first.  But, I discard the lie, hope he’ll change – the man he really is without the ‘mask’.  I choose to gather the shredded remains of my self-esteem and to stop long enough for the left-behind pieces of myself catch up.

Our initial status conference is the end of January – bringing with it the finality of this twisted journey and my first glimpse of this man since he stormed out the front door to our house in December.  My inner voice is shallow at first blush – telling me I better look fantastic – lose five pounds, get my hair done and wear those tight jeans and cute shoes he used to ask me to wear on “date night”.  The unease felt heavy in my stomach, just like old times with my soon-to-be ex.  He needs to regret walking away, realize he’s a dumbass for letting me go.

But, basing any kind of closure or even a spec of validation on a narcissist is begging for more pain.  They don’t give anything – except destruction and dark energy.  My inner voice kept talking, whispering about bringing my true self to the initial status conference – focus on the good coming into my life now that his toxicity is gone – like my beautiful clarity now that he’s out of my life.  Thriving after the narcissistic discard is most important, not what he thinks or feels.

Whether my shallow inner voice or my empowering inner voice is talking – both know that the best revenge is finding a better life without his manipulation, criticism and the toxic relationship.   He doesn’t have the capacity for regret – good thing I don’t need it.

Namaste!

0

SURVIVE YOUR FIRST CHRISTMAS WITHOUT YOUR NARCISSIST

My Narcissistic Husband Discarded Me – Merry Christmas To Me

 My narcissistic husband leaving right before Christmas was his gift to me. My mind knows this, but my heart is still numb.  The criticism and negative energy is gone – and he’s not around to make snide comments or discuss his needs until I scream.  Somehow, I’m still expecting the “idealizer” to return and tell me it’s a crazy nightmare.  But the good guy never really existed, and I can’t return the “discarder’s” gift. On weak nights, I want to exchange it for my old life back.  I try not to judge myself on those nights.

I’m surviving Christmas on my own, raw and confused.   My mind tortures me by tearing apart the relationship piece by painful piece.  Something about closure.  He left in true narcissistic fashion, cold and cruel.   So, I used Christmas shopping as a distraction and decorated the house as if my heart wasn’t shattered.

His leaving is a gift because I wasn’t strong enough and my spirit wouldn’t have survived the toxic relationship another year with him.  The no contact, while excruciating, has allowed my true self to emerge.  She’s strong as hell and showing me how to survive this Christmas on my own.  There are gifts to open as I go – inner gifts of truth and a resilient soul.

Analyzing the marriage kept me tied to the narcissist’s reality, something that was never real – I needed to focus on how to heal and reconnecting to the parts of me I left behind.  The narcissist creates fear and desperation.  The best revenge, so to speak, is through inner strength – living a congruent life.  I was mad at myself for feeling anything but relief.  Pain was my enemy – but I was too tired to fight that enemy – I discovered the light on the other side of the dark thoughts.

These thoughts tortured me until I followed them through to the other side:

  1. Jealousy will eat me alive when he finds someone else or if he has already found someone else – the other side – his being with someone else doesn’t touch my life anymore
  2. The “nice guy” was an illusion, a lie – the other side – this is my chance to start over and find a man who has empathy, kindness, resonance and the ability to truly connect (When I get caught up remembering the painful experiences, I ask to attract the type of guy next time who gives me what I need)
  3. It’s so hard starting over – the other side – this is me being strong. Good things will enter my life now that the negative energy is gone.

With narcissistic abuse, it’s impossible to see through the pain, but their discard is a gift – giving you the distance needed to see their lies, the permission to feel your true feelings and the chance to heal what you need to heal to find a real good guy.

Namaste!!

0

DON’T CRY AND DRIVE – EGO DECISIONS VERSUS SOUL DECISIONS

Us humans will do anything to not feel the pain of divorce and rejection.  Before you order that round of shots, buy that expensive whatever, or book a flight to Alaska, ask – is this a soul decision or an ego decision?  Ego decisions don’t usually end well.

 

I went out with a friend the night my husband moved out.  It was a great idea at the time, the distraction, the idea of “I don’t care because I’m having a drink while he unpacks his bags at his dad’s house,” was perfect.  The bar/restaurant was one of my favorites and not a place we ever went together.  My drink was pink and fruity and the conversation was hilarious, but I hysterical cried on the inside.  We called it a night around 11, late enough to confirm that I didn’t care but early enough to not feel like crap the next day.  (When you pass 40 – sleep can make or break you the next day) The tears fell for real about 2 minutes into my 20-minute drive home.  I was so caught up in my misery by the time I was within 1 mile of my house, I didn’t stop completely before turning right at a flashing red light.  And of course, there was a cop watching to tell me so.  Crying and driving is a bad idea – it slows your reflexes, clouds your judgement and makes you a soggy mess, and apparently, a driving hazard.

 

His cop lights went on and I pulled over, chastising my life, “Seriously?! Can you give me a break?!”  I rolled my window down, license and registration in hand.  I can’t really describe the cop because my sobbing obscured pretty much everything.  But he seemed on the taller side. He explained how I failed to make a complete stop at the flashing red light.  I nodded and blurted out how this was just another bad thing in my life – losing my job, my health scare, and now my husband moving out…  At this point, any shred of sanity or dignity deserted me.  If emotional shock is a real thing, then I was in the throes of that, hyperventilating and everything.  The cop paused for a second, took my documents and walked away.  I sobbed and whispered incoherent things to myself while I waited for my ticket and asked myself why I thought it was a good idea to go out tonight.  Why did I cry and drive?

 

The cop returned, handed me my license and registration and … a warning!  A warning!  I was so relieved and you would think it ended there.  But it didn’t.  Nope – I was still caught up in my misery. I started driving home and then, found myself turning around to ask that cop if there were resources for verbal abuse.  What?!  I know – but my mind felt like it was cracking, my heart was drowning and I had to talk to someone.  Anyone.

 

I turned my car around, found him sitting in the same spot and, stopping at that flashing red light for a full five seconds, parked behind him.  I’m sure he thought I was crazy as I walked up to his window and asked him if there was a verbal abuse hotline.  “Did anything happen tonight?” he asked.  I told him no, my chest heaving, my nose running.  He stared at me for a minute, nodded his head and wrote a number on the back of his business card.  I took the card, heaved a shaky sigh and got back in my car.  My thoughts volleyed back and forth between humiliation and disbelief.  Did I really just do that, tell a stranger – a cop stranger that my husband is verbally and emotionally abusive?  Yes, I did.  Going out for drinks maybe wasn’t the best idea.

 

RECOVERING FROM A BREAK-UP MAKING DECISIONS UNDER STRESS

0

Not Hiding The Hot Mess Any Longer

I am a Colorado native, on my second marriage, raising three kiddos, trying to navigate the corporate world, fulfill my dreams, while keeping a thread of sanity.  My life experiences are anything but ordinary – they are good, bad and ugly.  Some are hilarious at the time, and some funny after.   All are a means to grow!

This life doesn’t let you rest for long –

This blog is meant to relate to people who have life all figured out, pretend their life is all figured out or gave up pretending.  I am proof that you are not alone.  My greatest challenge is recovering from emotional/narcissistic abuse.  This blog also speaks to those in abusive or challenging relationships, with empathy, tools to empower and the power of experience to relate.  My mission is to show you, through my crazy life experiences, that we are all strong enough to conquer our fears, stand by our true self and laugh at ourselves along the way.

Namaste!

Featured post
0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑