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SURVIVE YOUR FIRST CHRISTMAS WITHOUT YOUR NARCISSIST

My Narcissistic Husband Discarded Me – Merry Christmas To Me

 My narcissistic husband leaving right before Christmas was his gift to me. My mind knows this, but my heart is still numb.  The criticism and negative energy is gone – and he’s not around to make snide comments or discuss his needs until I scream.  Somehow, I’m still expecting the “idealizer” to return and tell me it’s a crazy nightmare.  But the good guy never really existed, and I can’t return the “discarder’s” gift. On weak nights, I want to exchange it for my old life back.  I try not to judge myself on those nights.

I’m surviving Christmas on my own, raw and confused.   My mind tortures me by tearing apart the relationship piece by painful piece.  Something about closure.  He left in true narcissistic fashion, cold and cruel.   So, I used Christmas shopping as a distraction and decorated the house as if my heart wasn’t shattered.

His leaving is a gift because I wasn’t strong enough and my spirit wouldn’t have survived the toxic relationship another year with him.  The no contact, while excruciating, has allowed my true self to emerge.  She’s strong as hell and showing me how to survive this Christmas on my own.  There are gifts to open as I go – inner gifts of truth and a resilient soul.

Analyzing the marriage kept me tied to the narcissist’s reality, something that was never real – I needed to focus on how to heal and reconnecting to the parts of me I left behind.  The narcissist creates fear and desperation.  The best revenge, so to speak, is through inner strength – living a congruent life.  I was mad at myself for feeling anything but relief.  Pain was my enemy – but I was too tired to fight that enemy – I discovered the light on the other side of the dark thoughts.

These thoughts tortured me until I followed them through to the other side:

  1. Jealousy will eat me alive when he finds someone else or if he has already found someone else – the other side – his being with someone else doesn’t touch my life anymore
  2. The “nice guy” was an illusion, a lie – the other side – this is my chance to start over and find a man who has empathy, kindness, resonance and the ability to truly connect (When I get caught up remembering the painful experiences, I ask to attract the type of guy next time who gives me what I need)
  3. It’s so hard starting over – the other side – this is me being strong. Good things will enter my life now that the negative energy is gone.

With narcissistic abuse, it’s impossible to see through the pain, but their discard is a gift – giving you the distance needed to see their lies, the permission to feel your true feelings and the chance to heal what you need to heal to find a real good guy.

Namaste!!

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DON’T CRY AND DRIVE – EGO DECISIONS VERSUS SOUL DECISIONS

Us humans will do anything to not feel the pain of divorce and rejection.  Before you order that round of shots, buy that expensive whatever, or book a flight to Alaska, ask – is this a soul decision or an ego decision?  Ego decisions don’t usually end well.

 

I went out with a friend the night my husband moved out.  It was a great idea at the time, the distraction, the idea of “I don’t care because I’m having a drink while he unpacks his bags at his dad’s house,” was perfect.  The bar/restaurant was one of my favorites and not a place we ever went together.  My drink was pink and fruity and the conversation was hilarious, but I hysterical cried on the inside.  We called it a night around 11, late enough to confirm that I didn’t care but early enough to not feel like crap the next day.  (When you pass 40 – sleep can make or break you the next day) The tears fell for real about 2 minutes into my 20-minute drive home.  I was so caught up in my misery by the time I was within 1 mile of my house, I didn’t stop completely before turning right at a flashing red light.  And of course, there was a cop watching to tell me so.  Crying and driving is a bad idea – it slows your reflexes, clouds your judgement and makes you a soggy mess, and apparently, a driving hazard.

 

His cop lights went on and I pulled over, chastising my life, “Seriously?! Can you give me a break?!”  I rolled my window down, license and registration in hand.  I can’t really describe the cop because my sobbing obscured pretty much everything.  But he seemed on the taller side. He explained how I failed to make a complete stop at the flashing red light.  I nodded and blurted out how this was just another bad thing in my life – losing my job, my health scare, and now my husband moving out…  At this point, any shred of sanity or dignity deserted me.  If emotional shock is a real thing, then I was in the throes of that, hyperventilating and everything.  The cop paused for a second, took my documents and walked away.  I sobbed and whispered incoherent things to myself while I waited for my ticket and asked myself why I thought it was a good idea to go out tonight.  Why did I cry and drive?

 

The cop returned, handed me my license and registration and … a warning!  A warning!  I was so relieved and you would think it ended there.  But it didn’t.  Nope – I was still caught up in my misery. I started driving home and then, found myself turning around to ask that cop if there were resources for verbal abuse.  What?!  I know – but my mind felt like it was cracking, my heart was drowning and I had to talk to someone.  Anyone.

 

I turned my car around, found him sitting in the same spot and, stopping at that flashing red light for a full five seconds, parked behind him.  I’m sure he thought I was crazy as I walked up to his window and asked him if there was a verbal abuse hotline.  “Did anything happen tonight?” he asked.  I told him no, my chest heaving, my nose running.  He stared at me for a minute, nodded his head and wrote a number on the back of his business card.  I took the card, heaved a shaky sigh and got back in my car.  My thoughts volleyed back and forth between humiliation and disbelief.  Did I really just do that, tell a stranger – a cop stranger that my husband is verbally and emotionally abusive?  Yes, I did.  Going out for drinks maybe wasn’t the best idea.

 

RECOVERING FROM A BREAK-UP MAKING DECISIONS UNDER STRESS

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One Reason Crying in Public is A Good Thing – Even “Ugly” Crying

Sadness hijacked me, so crying in public was inevitable.  I cried in Starbucks, at the gym and at Barnes & Noble among the books in the relationship section.  How fitting.  My crying jag ended with a great book on toxic relationships and the start of a new friendship.   Society is afraid to show sadness – but that closes us off to the support of other humans.  I say – if you’re going to cry in public then “ugly cry”, honey.

I need to rewind. My soon-to-be ex narcissist walked out after blaming me for his emotional affair with a twenty-four year old girl.  (I mean come on!!)  To say I was hurt, angry and bewildered is an understatement, so I called my friends to sort through my toxic relationship, admittedly ad nauseam.

Talking to friends can be dangerous if they don’t understand what emotional abuse does to a person’s psyche.  This friend told me, “Shame on you for letting him beat you down every day.”  That hurt, but when she added how she was too strong to ever experience that, I lost it.  Of course, this twisted pep talk happened as I walked into Starbucks.  Having reached an emotional saturation point, I wrote for an hour before succumbing to a crying spell.  Embarrassed, I went to the gym to sweat it out.

Now, all of this is important, promise!  As a spiritual person, I believe in signs.  Cosmic signs, angels showing up – what ever you want to call it.  At the gym, I hopped on the elliptical, so I could read the book, The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein.  Gabrielle referenced another book, A Course in Miracles, and I felt an uncontrollable urge to find it.

Tearing up at the gym was my cue to leave.  Barnes & Noble was the logical next stop.  I headed straight for the customer service desk and asked the lady behind the counter where the books on narcissistic abuse and grieving would be.  She escorted me to the section and as she grabbed a book from the shelf, I started to sob.  Exposed in the midst of an ugly cry, I explained how my husband just moved out in an extremely narcissistic fashion and how our toxic relationship had gotten in the way of grieving my mother’s passing two years ago.

The customer service lady nodded her understanding, and mentioned how she knew all too well what I was going through.  She started crying.  There were two other customers in that book section.  Our crying triggered some innate empathy response, and they started crying.  The customer service lady left in the wake of a sniffle, but was immediately followed by another Barnes & Noble employee.  She said, “I hear people are crying over here.  Do you ladies need some tissue?”  Of course, we needed tissue, so she got a box of Kleenex, offered to hug us all and left.

One of the other customers had a small sample of essential oils and, out of kindness, gave it to me.  This started a conversation and the surprise that we knew a mutual friend.  She offered to sit and commiserate with me over coffee, so we made plans to go to lunch that week.

We went to lunch and, what I hope is a long friendship, began.  This heart crushing life change, torturous soul-finding expedition and erosion of my emotional composure has shown me many truths about myself and my life, forcing me to become vulnerable in public.  If you’re crying in public, your life has reached a certain point – listen to it.  If my husband hadn’t left, if I never had that hurtful conversation with my friend and hadn’t  gone to Barnes & Noble  – I would still be ignoring the truth about my life – I’m in a toxic marriage and need to grieve my mother.

 

Namaste!

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The number one distinction between your true self and your ego

Raw truths come in innocent, unexpected moments. They are frightening but never judgmental. Even though you ask why your life sucks, you tend to shove truths aside when they show up.

So, finding a way to listen when your true self-speaks, embracing the truths and acting on them are the most brutal, and most important things to do.

I took our puppies outside, obsessing over a fight with my husband. Hubby is sore spot in my life, on my heart. By sore spot I mean itchy and inflamed, the “he is incapable of empathy”, kind of sore. I’ve asked how to untangle myself from this on a daily basis.

This truth swept through my mind in a silent but devastating breath. Standing in the front yard, two puppies tugging in opposite directions on their leashes, my true self finally spoke up. It’s hard to listen to your true self because you need to trust that it’s her or him talking. But how do you know?

I am scared to own my life – As miserable as I am in this toxic relationship – if I just focus on my life, then failure is all mine, the result of my untethered decisions.

My mind was filled with my latest marriage drama … and then suddenly it wasn’t. The sun was setting. The street was empty. There wasn’t even a breeze to disturb so much as a hair on my head. The truth just walked in, bringing a calm sort of desolation and a taste of sadness. “If you leave – you’ll have all this space in your mind to focus on your life – make your own decisions.” I realized that this freedom, on some level, scared me. I would own my life and my own possible failure.

Whether my “self-esteem crisis” was a symptom of years of emotional abuse in this marriage, my previous marriage, or a scar from my childhood, owning my life felt cold and impossible. The truth has always been there – a glaring “should do, need to”. Like an uneasy sense that someone is watching.

I smiled, sad and oddly empowered; listening to my true self meant there was no going back to oblivious. You can’t un-know a truth. It’s what you do with it after that counts.

The dogs tugged harder on their leashes and the drama resumed its space in my mind. I went back inside the house, still obsessing over hurtful words, but with a changed perspective.

That truth changed the direction of my life. I started to detach from the blame and drama, stopped denying the fact that this marriage was abusive.

We all get tangled in our lives and or relationships. Our truths emerge during unexpected moments, so listening to them is critical. If a thought, a knowing, separates itself from the mental fray – stop and listen – it is your truth speaking.

I am a Colorado native, on my second marriage, raising three kiddos, trying to navigate the corporate world, fulfill my dreams, while keeping a thread of sanity.  My life experiences are anything but ordinary – they are good, bad and ugly.  Some are hilarious at the time, and some funny after.   All are a means to grow!

This blog is meant to relate to woman of all ages and backgrounds who have life all figured out, pretend their life is all figured out or gave up pretending.  I am proof that you are not alone.  My greatest challenge is recovering from emotional/narcissistic abuse.  This blog also speaks to those in abusive or challenging relationships, with empathy, tools to empower and the power of experience to relate.  My mission is to show you, through my crazy life experiences, that we are all strong enough to conquer our fears, stand by our true self and laugh at ourselves along the way.

Namaste!

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Not Hiding The Hot Mess Any Longer

I am a Colorado native, on my second marriage, raising three kiddos, trying to navigate the corporate world, fulfill my dreams, while keeping a thread of sanity.  My life experiences are anything but ordinary – they are good, bad and ugly.  Some are hilarious at the time, and some funny after.   All are a means to grow!

This life doesn’t let you rest for long –

This blog is meant to relate to people who have life all figured out, pretend their life is all figured out or gave up pretending.  I am proof that you are not alone.  My greatest challenge is recovering from emotional/narcissistic abuse.  This blog also speaks to those in abusive or challenging relationships, with empathy, tools to empower and the power of experience to relate.  My mission is to show you, through my crazy life experiences, that we are all strong enough to conquer our fears, stand by our true self and laugh at ourselves along the way.

Namaste!

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A Short Guide To Riding Out An Emotional Rollercoaster

To feel stronger, I took his pictures down today and tore some of the cards he gave me in half.  And, full disclosure here … threw away a pair of his underwear that was in the laundry.  Throwing away his underwear felt better than anything.

It has only been a few days since my husband packed up the big television from the basement, took some of his clothes, and moved out of our house.   Riding a roller coaster through a hurricane would be a smoother ride than this, even though my true self is saying a prayer of relief because there isn’t much of her left.

Divorcing someone you loved is tragic.  Divorcing a narcissist is a different breed of hell.  I imagined leaving this toxic marriage for over year – so his emotional affair with a twenty-four-year-old woman and moving out is a gift; a gift to me and my tattered soul.  So, why am I destroyed?  Anyone living with a narcissist/psychopath or partner with borderline personality disorder can relate to those emotions that one minute hold you up and the next cut you in half.  I found a couple of ways to find peace until either the storm or the roller coaster ride ends.  Hopefully they will give you peace too.

1. Don’t fight the emotions, they fight dirty.  Emotions will win every time.   We want to resist them, but they need to come out.   The nasty urge to cry until you collapse hits in the oddest moments, made worse with helplessness and bewilderment from somewhere you didn’t know existed.  One minute, you’re washing dishes, seeing your future much stronger and more peaceful future.   The next minute, you’re thinking “What the hell”,  asking how you will “Stay Calm and Chive On,” or if there was something you should have done differently.

2. It sucks, but sitting with those dark emotions awhile, acknowledging that they are here and will return.  Accepting that emotions move through in waves makes their visit a little less pleasant.  These emotions come from a toxic relationship.  If you can think of them as releasing from your body, heart and soul, they become a good thing – even though they hurt like blazes.

3. Question what your broken mind or ego is telling you – literally.  Question them out loud if that works.  I have “I can’t do this, survive this, I’m dying,” moments at least 20 times a day.   As a particularly harsh moment of ‘I can’t do life without him’ entered my mind, I followed the fear to the end.   I looked at my life, all the things I’ve accomplished despite the constant criticism and snide comments, and said, “You’re doing life pretty good right now.”  Imagine how far you’ll go not drowning in crazy-making drama.  It worked!

A narcissist leaving is a good thing.  A fantastic gift.  When you are beaten down and your self-esteem is shredded, the gift is lost in the hurricane winds and the roller coaster gives you a permanent ‘stomach dropping’ feeling.  The reason why is elusive.  If you can accept that it hurts and sit with those emotions, they can become part of the healing and growth process.

Namaste!

 

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