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Two Truths And A Lie – Empower You After A Toxic Conversation

Toxic relationships suck the confidence out of even the most badass person.  I mean, we’re all badass on some level.  But, a toxic person’s mind games and ‘crazy making’ tactics tangle-up your heart, mind and body with invisible chains – you obsess, defend who you are and suppress your true feelings without realizing it.

I fell prey to the circular conversations, criticism and manipulation for years until one day, after a typical criticism fest, I noticed that I was spending hours having a rebuttal conversation in my head.  I thought about every reason my ex was wrong about me.  I stopped and asked myself, “Why are you trying to convince yourself of something you already know?”  The answer was simple – I was responding to the negative things he said about me as if they were true.  Only I know what is true about me.

My defensiveness and the hurt I experienced with each of these conversations came from the fact that my ex was wrong about me.   He painted me as all black or all white – all good or all bad.  Well, there was a grain of truth in some of what he said – but he exaggerated or outright projected untruths about me – I am not selfish, not making him treat me this way and don’t make decisions that only benefit me.  We all have our moments of putting ourselves first and I made decisions that protected me and my three kiddos.  Me making him treat me like crap was a straight-up lie.

I started looking at my truths and his lies – breaking that habit or cycle of handing all the power over to my ex by standing on my truths and my reality.  Two truths and a lie helped empower me to stand up for myself and avoid the crazy making moments.  Here’s how it works:

After a negative conversation acknowledge two truths – these can be true feelings,  what you want to change about your situation, how the conversation affected you, if any part of the conversation had truth to it (of course, accept this truth without judging you)

For example, after that particular conversation my two truths were:

  1. I don’t trust my own husband anymore – emotionally or otherwise
  2. I am a giving person – my husband is the only person who has ever accused me of being selfish.

Now acknowledge one lie from your conversation

For example, I acknowledged that my ex telling me that I only make decisions that benefit me is a lie.

Finding two truths and a lie allowed me to stop that endless loop of negative /defensive thoughts and focus on empowering thoughts.  The next time you get caught up in a toxic conversation, see if this strategy can help you.

 

Namaste!

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Three Reasons Your Toxic Break Up Is A Great Thing

Break ups are excruciating.  That’s why there are so many sad country songs about them.   Break ups create insecurities, amplify our critical inner voice and parade our flaws for everyone to see.  Our instinct, or our desperate hope, is to not feel even a drop of pain.  Not feeling any pain is impossible, but we try with distractions, denial or a nice bottle of wine.

Breaking up with a toxic human adds a whole new level of agony because there is no closure, your self-esteem is buried somewhere in the backyard like a body and hope hangs around like second-hand smoke.  I was in the middle of berating myself for feeling sad over someone that hurt me on a daily basis, when I looked at this journey in a different way.  Instead of looking at what I lost – I opened up to how full my life is with or without my ex.  I realized that with my ex out of the house and out of my life, everything felt lighter.  I discovered three reasons my break up is a good thing.  See if these truths help you too.

  1. This is the catalyst to discovering who I really am and being my true self – I have nothing to lose now – my toxic ex already walked out of the door.  The relationship wasn’t based on the real me.

 

  1. My mind is free to focus on accomplishing my dream of publishing a book. (The break-up helped me rediscover why I had that dream) I spent way too much time defending myself in my mind.

 

  1. I am starting fresh – healing what led me to attract a toxic man, asking what I value and learning how to set boundaries.  I put up with and overlooked sooo much abuse and b.s.!

There is no ‘correct’ way to move on from a toxic relationship – the most important thing to remember is giving yourself grace.

 

Namaste!

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Three Empowering Ways to Spend Valentine’s Day After a Toxic Relationship Ends

Even the most cynical heart can feel devastated on V-Day after a narcissistic discard.  That’s the funny – not funny part, your emotions are all over the place – not settled in relief, or anger or sadness – so when a romantic holiday comes along – how do you cope with mixed emotions?  Or, for the romantic V-Day people – how do you survive sans valentine?   I came up with three ways to survive and even thrive on Valentine’s Day after a toxic relationship ends.

I am not a romantic V-Day person, but I am wondering just how bad V-Day will feel this year without my ex valentine.   Will I end up quiet-crying in the office bathroom, or will Valentine’s Day be a day to love myself?  My ex narcissist used to go all out with flowers, cards and stuffed bears – ironically, his birthday is on the same day.  We would celebrate both, so I am feeling an odd sense of dread mixed with freedom to focus on me now.  I am trying three ways to show myself some love on V-Day sans valentine.

  1. A morning meditation to send love to my ex (yes, to my ex!) and to myself (Sending love to my ex puts me in a lighter place)
  2. Doing one thing I have always wanted to do but haven’t – I am scheduling an infrared treatment at a spa
  3. Sending 1-3 friends funny Valentine’s cards

Moving on from a toxic relationship is hard enough without Valentine’s Day falling right in the middle of recovering.  Focusing self-love combined with doing something new just might make me feel amazing rather than sad.  I am giving these three ways a try.  Try them with me!

 

Namaste!

 

 

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When Your Fear Gets Too Heavy – Set It Down

When it gets too heavy – set it down.  That goes for luggage and emotions. I know you have to feel emotions to process and get through them – but given a chance – emotions will drag you to the deep end of the misery pool and hold your head under water.  Surviving a toxic relationship straddles that fine line between self-torture and growing past the hurt.  The pain and emotions will get too heavy.  At some point – you have to put it all down for a minute and find the faith that the relationship ending is necessary for your survival, that you’ll be just fine.

I discovered this gem of insight while listening to sad music and freaking out over my divorce.  I went to send my soon-to-be ex-husband a song and stopped myself because I realized the person I was sending it to is just a black hole.  The man I thought I married never existed.  I had a mini panic attack – with the pit in my stomach and the sensation of my mind breaking.  My thoughts went to “I can’t do this alone,” and “I know that the good guy never existed.”  Sadly, my heart still has hope we will get back to the way it was in the beginning.  Wanting to talk the very person who cut your soul so deeply is a disturbing place to be.  No contact is a promise to yourself that’s hard to keep.

I got to the edge of that deep end and paused.  Eyes blurry with tears, I literally said, “I am in fear right now.  This fear is too heavy, so I am setting it down.”   I know this is me being strong.  Yes, strong.  My soon-to-be ex left.   There is a fear and uncertainty where his criticism and dark energy used to be.  I may not know what’s worse – but damn it I will heal what I need to in order to start over and choose a different life.    Fear and panic will find their way onto my shoulders tomorrow, but for now I’m lighter.

Namaste!

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WHOSE DISCARD IS IT ANYWAY?

I’ve spent hours wrapping my mind around the dissolution of our five-year lie and the cruel way my soon-to-be ex-narcissistic husband left.  But, like all the effort and emotion I threw at this relationship, it’s wasted energy.  In reality, he controlled the dramatic ending, but I choose to stay gone and move on.  He discarded me first.  But, I discard the lie, hope he’ll change – the man he really is without the ‘mask’.  I choose to gather the shredded remains of my self-esteem and to stop long enough for the left-behind pieces of myself catch up.

Our initial status conference is the end of January – bringing with it the finality of this twisted journey and my first glimpse of this man since he stormed out the front door to our house in December.  My inner voice is shallow at first blush – telling me I better look fantastic – lose five pounds, get my hair done and wear those tight jeans and cute shoes he used to ask me to wear on “date night”.  The unease felt heavy in my stomach, just like old times with my soon-to-be ex.  He needs to regret walking away, realize he’s a dumbass for letting me go.

But, basing any kind of closure or even a spec of validation on a narcissist is begging for more pain.  They don’t give anything – except destruction and dark energy.  My inner voice kept talking, whispering about bringing my true self to the initial status conference – focus on the good coming into my life now that his toxicity is gone – like my beautiful clarity now that he’s out of my life.  Thriving after the narcissistic discard is most important, not what he thinks or feels.

Whether my shallow inner voice or my empowering inner voice is talking – both know that the best revenge is finding a better life without his manipulation, criticism and the toxic relationship.   He doesn’t have the capacity for regret – good thing I don’t need it.

Namaste!

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