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Hot Mess Experiences

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One Reason Crying in Public is A Good Thing – Even “Ugly” Crying

Sadness hijacked me, so crying in public was inevitable.  I cried in Starbucks, at the gym and at Barnes & Noble among the books in the relationship section.  How fitting.  My crying jag ended with a great book on toxic relationships and the start of a new friendship.   Society is afraid to show sadness – but that closes us off to the support of other humans.  I say – if you’re going to cry in public then “ugly cry”, honey.

I need to rewind. My soon-to-be ex narcissist walked out after blaming me for his emotional affair with a twenty-four year old girl.  (I mean come on!!)  To say I was hurt, angry and bewildered is an understatement, so I called my friends to sort through my toxic relationship, admittedly ad nauseam.

Talking to friends can be dangerous if they don’t understand what emotional abuse does to a person’s psyche.  This friend told me, “Shame on you for letting him beat you down every day.”  That hurt, but when she added how she was too strong to ever experience that, I lost it.  Of course, this twisted pep talk happened as I walked into Starbucks.  Having reached an emotional saturation point, I wrote for an hour before succumbing to a crying spell.  Embarrassed, I went to the gym to sweat it out.

Now, all of this is important, promise!  As a spiritual person, I believe in signs.  Cosmic signs, angels showing up – what ever you want to call it.  At the gym, I hopped on the elliptical, so I could read the book, The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein.  Gabrielle referenced another book, A Course in Miracles, and I felt an uncontrollable urge to find it.

Tearing up at the gym was my cue to leave.  Barnes & Noble was the logical next stop.  I headed straight for the customer service desk and asked the lady behind the counter where the books on narcissistic abuse and grieving would be.  She escorted me to the section and as she grabbed a book from the shelf, I started to sob.  Exposed in the midst of an ugly cry, I explained how my husband just moved out in an extremely narcissistic fashion and how our toxic relationship had gotten in the way of grieving my mother’s passing two years ago.

The customer service lady nodded her understanding, and mentioned how she knew all too well what I was going through.  She started crying.  There were two other customers in that book section.  Our crying triggered some innate empathy response, and they started crying.  The customer service lady left in the wake of a sniffle, but was immediately followed by another Barnes & Noble employee.  She said, “I hear people are crying over here.  Do you ladies need some tissue?”  Of course, we needed tissue, so she got a box of Kleenex, offered to hug us all and left.

One of the other customers had a small sample of essential oils and, out of kindness, gave it to me.  This started a conversation and the surprise that we knew a mutual friend.  She offered to sit and commiserate with me over coffee, so we made plans to go to lunch that week.

We went to lunch and, what I hope is a long friendship, began.  This heart crushing life change, torturous soul-finding expedition and erosion of my emotional composure has shown me many truths about myself and my life, forcing me to become vulnerable in public.  If you’re crying in public, your life has reached a certain point – listen to it.  If my husband hadn’t left, if I never had that hurtful conversation with my friend and hadn’t  gone to Barnes & Noble  – I would still be ignoring the truth about my life – I’m in a toxic marriage and need to grieve my mother.

 

Namaste!

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The number one distinction between your true self and your ego

Raw truths come in innocent, unexpected moments. They are frightening but never judgmental. Even though you ask why your life sucks, you tend to shove truths aside when they show up.

So, finding a way to listen when your true self-speaks, embracing the truths and acting on them are the most brutal, and most important things to do.

I took our puppies outside, obsessing over a fight with my husband. Hubby is sore spot in my life, on my heart. By sore spot I mean itchy and inflamed, the “he is incapable of empathy”, kind of sore. I’ve asked how to untangle myself from this on a daily basis.

This truth swept through my mind in a silent but devastating breath. Standing in the front yard, two puppies tugging in opposite directions on their leashes, my true self finally spoke up. It’s hard to listen to your true self because you need to trust that it’s her or him talking. But how do you know?

I am scared to own my life – As miserable as I am in this toxic relationship – if I just focus on my life, then failure is all mine, the result of my untethered decisions.

My mind was filled with my latest marriage drama … and then suddenly it wasn’t. The sun was setting. The street was empty. There wasn’t even a breeze to disturb so much as a hair on my head. The truth just walked in, bringing a calm sort of desolation and a taste of sadness. “If you leave – you’ll have all this space in your mind to focus on your life – make your own decisions.” I realized that this freedom, on some level, scared me. I would own my life and my own possible failure.

Whether my “self-esteem crisis” was a symptom of years of emotional abuse in this marriage, my previous marriage, or a scar from my childhood, owning my life felt cold and impossible. The truth has always been there – a glaring “should do, need to”. Like an uneasy sense that someone is watching.

I smiled, sad and oddly empowered; listening to my true self meant there was no going back to oblivious. You can’t un-know a truth. It’s what you do with it after that counts.

The dogs tugged harder on their leashes and the drama resumed its space in my mind. I went back inside the house, still obsessing over hurtful words, but with a changed perspective.

That truth changed the direction of my life. I started to detach from the blame and drama, stopped denying the fact that this marriage was abusive.

We all get tangled in our lives and or relationships. Our truths emerge during unexpected moments, so listening to them is critical. If a thought, a knowing, separates itself from the mental fray – stop and listen – it is your truth speaking.

I am a Colorado native, on my second marriage, raising three kiddos, trying to navigate the corporate world, fulfill my dreams, while keeping a thread of sanity.  My life experiences are anything but ordinary – they are good, bad and ugly.  Some are hilarious at the time, and some funny after.   All are a means to grow!

This blog is meant to relate to woman of all ages and backgrounds who have life all figured out, pretend their life is all figured out or gave up pretending.  I am proof that you are not alone.  My greatest challenge is recovering from emotional/narcissistic abuse.  This blog also speaks to those in abusive or challenging relationships, with empathy, tools to empower and the power of experience to relate.  My mission is to show you, through my crazy life experiences, that we are all strong enough to conquer our fears, stand by our true self and laugh at ourselves along the way.

Namaste!

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Not Hiding The Hot Mess Any Longer

I am a Colorado native, on my second marriage, raising three kiddos, trying to navigate the corporate world, fulfill my dreams, while keeping a thread of sanity.  My life experiences are anything but ordinary – they are good, bad and ugly.  Some are hilarious at the time, and some funny after.   All are a means to grow!

This life doesn’t let you rest for long –

This blog is meant to relate to people who have life all figured out, pretend their life is all figured out or gave up pretending.  I am proof that you are not alone.  My greatest challenge is recovering from emotional/narcissistic abuse.  This blog also speaks to those in abusive or challenging relationships, with empathy, tools to empower and the power of experience to relate.  My mission is to show you, through my crazy life experiences, that we are all strong enough to conquer our fears, stand by our true self and laugh at ourselves along the way.

Namaste!

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A Short Guide To Riding Out An Emotional Rollercoaster

To feel stronger, I took his pictures down today and tore some of the cards he gave me in half.  And, full disclosure here … threw away a pair of his underwear that was in the laundry.  Throwing away his underwear felt better than anything.

It has only been a few days since my husband packed up the big television from the basement, took some of his clothes, and moved out of our house.   Riding a roller coaster through a hurricane would be a smoother ride than this, even though my true self is saying a prayer of relief because there isn’t much of her left.

Divorcing someone you loved is tragic.  Divorcing a narcissist is a different breed of hell.  I imagined leaving this toxic marriage for over year – so his emotional affair with a twenty-four-year-old woman and moving out is a gift; a gift to me and my tattered soul.  So, why am I destroyed?  Anyone living with a narcissist/psychopath or partner with borderline personality disorder can relate to those emotions that one minute hold you up and the next cut you in half.  I found a couple of ways to find peace until either the storm or the roller coaster ride ends.  Hopefully they will give you peace too.

1. Don’t fight the emotions, they fight dirty.  Emotions will win every time.   We want to resist them, but they need to come out.   The nasty urge to cry until you collapse hits in the oddest moments, made worse with helplessness and bewilderment from somewhere you didn’t know existed.  One minute, you’re washing dishes, seeing your future much stronger and more peaceful future.   The next minute, you’re thinking “What the hell”,  asking how you will “Stay Calm and Chive On,” or if there was something you should have done differently.

2. It sucks, but sitting with those dark emotions awhile, acknowledging that they are here and will return.  Accepting that emotions move through in waves makes their visit a little less pleasant.  These emotions come from a toxic relationship.  If you can think of them as releasing from your body, heart and soul, they become a good thing – even though they hurt like blazes.

3. Question what your broken mind or ego is telling you – literally.  Question them out loud if that works.  I have “I can’t do this, survive this, I’m dying,” moments at least 20 times a day.   As a particularly harsh moment of ‘I can’t do life without him’ entered my mind, I followed the fear to the end.   I looked at my life, all the things I’ve accomplished despite the constant criticism and snide comments, and said, “You’re doing life pretty good right now.”  Imagine how far you’ll go not drowning in crazy-making drama.  It worked!

A narcissist leaving is a good thing.  A fantastic gift.  When you are beaten down and your self-esteem is shredded, the gift is lost in the hurricane winds and the roller coaster gives you a permanent ‘stomach dropping’ feeling.  The reason why is elusive.  If you can accept that it hurts and sit with those emotions, they can become part of the healing and growth process.

Namaste!

 

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