Search

Hot Mess Experiences

Inspiration for women in relationships, life, work and raising kids.

Open Search
Category

Divorcing a Narcissist

Two Truths And A Lie – Empower You After A Toxic Conversation

Toxic relationships suck the confidence out of even the most badass person.  I mean, we’re all badass on some level.  But, a toxic person’s mind games and ‘crazy making’ tactics tangle-up your heart, mind and body with invisible chains – you obsess, defend who you are and suppress your true feelings without realizing it.

I fell prey to the circular conversations, criticism and manipulation for years until one day, after a typical criticism fest, I noticed that I was spending hours having a rebuttal conversation in my head.  I thought about every reason my ex was wrong about me.  I stopped and asked myself, “Why are you trying to convince yourself of something you already know?”  The answer was simple – I was responding to the negative things he said about me as if they were true.  Only I know what is true about me.

My defensiveness and the hurt I experienced with each of these conversations came from the fact that my ex was wrong about me.   He painted me as all black or all white – all good or all bad.  Well, there was a grain of truth in some of what he said – but he exaggerated or outright projected untruths about me – I am not selfish, not making him treat me this way and don’t make decisions that only benefit me.  We all have our moments of putting ourselves first and I made decisions that protected me and my three kiddos.  Me making him treat me like crap was a straight-up lie.

I started looking at my truths and his lies – breaking that habit or cycle of handing all the power over to my ex by standing on my truths and my reality.  Two truths and a lie helped empower me to stand up for myself and avoid the crazy making moments.  Here’s how it works:

After a negative conversation acknowledge two truths – these can be true feelings,  what you want to change about your situation, how the conversation affected you, if any part of the conversation had truth to it (of course, accept this truth without judging you)

For example, after that particular conversation my two truths were:

  1. I don’t trust my own husband anymore – emotionally or otherwise
  2. I am a giving person – my husband is the only person who has ever accused me of being selfish.

Now acknowledge one lie from your conversation

For example, I acknowledged that my ex telling me that I only make decisions that benefit me is a lie.

Finding two truths and a lie allowed me to stop that endless loop of negative /defensive thoughts and focus on empowering thoughts.  The next time you get caught up in a toxic conversation, see if this strategy can help you.

 

Namaste!

0

Three Empowering Ways to Spend Valentine’s Day After a Toxic Relationship Ends

Even the most cynical heart can feel devastated on V-Day after a narcissistic discard.  That’s the funny – not funny part, your emotions are all over the place – not settled in relief, or anger or sadness – so when a romantic holiday comes along – how do you cope with mixed emotions?  Or, for the romantic V-Day people – how do you survive sans valentine?   I came up with three ways to survive and even thrive on Valentine’s Day after a toxic relationship ends.

I am not a romantic V-Day person, but I am wondering just how bad V-Day will feel this year without my ex valentine.   Will I end up quiet-crying in the office bathroom, or will Valentine’s Day be a day to love myself?  My ex narcissist used to go all out with flowers, cards and stuffed bears – ironically, his birthday is on the same day.  We would celebrate both, so I am feeling an odd sense of dread mixed with freedom to focus on me now.  I am trying three ways to show myself some love on V-Day sans valentine.

  1. A morning meditation to send love to my ex (yes, to my ex!) and to myself (Sending love to my ex puts me in a lighter place)
  2. Doing one thing I have always wanted to do but haven’t – I am scheduling an infrared treatment at a spa
  3. Sending 1-3 friends funny Valentine’s cards

Moving on from a toxic relationship is hard enough without Valentine’s Day falling right in the middle of recovering.  Focusing self-love combined with doing something new just might make me feel amazing rather than sad.  I am giving these three ways a try.  Try them with me!

 

Namaste!

 

 

0

Divorcing In Winter – Is It More Difficult?

Divorce is a short ride to hell on its own.  But having sobbed during a blizzard and obsessed about my soon-to-be ex while shoveling snow, my unfortunate divorce from a narcissist in December led me to the question – Does winter make divorce hurt more?  If divorce hits harder in winter, what can I do about it?

I say HELL YES, divorce sucks worse in winter.  Winter’s artic cold, snowy roads and shorter days makes me hibernate – by that I mean – on winter nights you can’t pry me out of my house with a crowbar.  As the sun sets early evening, my anxiety rises.  And even on somewhat decent days – the dreariness of winter makes me sad.  I am not sure if it literally makes me sad, as in Season Affective Disorder (SAD), but it’s somewhere close.  Adding a divorce to this winter season, makes the cold days and nights that much colder.

I couldn’t find any research that talked specifically about winter making divorce seem harder in winter without a reference to Season Affective Disorder.  So, I did a little research and found the official definition of SAD. According to The National Institute of Mental Health, (NIH) SAD is a type of depression that starts around fall/early winter and ends in spring/summer. SAD has a recurring seasonal pattern and you have to meet the full criteria for major depression coinciding with specific seasons, meaning winter or sometimes summer, for at least 2 years.  It seems that technically, a divorce won’t bring on SAD, or make you depressed, but I still say winter makes the emotions surrounding a divorce more intense.

If winter does make a divorce worse, what can we do about it?   I recently started this book, Before You Know It, and one fascinating study associated heat/warmth with feeling better emotionally.  The book talked about anything warm, coffee, soup, and a special treatment called Whole Body Hyperthermia (WBH).  My initial status conference is tomorrow and I am sad and nervous to see my soon-to-be ex for the first time in months.  I can’t get in for a whole-body hyperthermia treatment – so I am experimenting with hot chocolate, a heating pad and the sauna after my work out tomorrow morning.  Will let you know if it actually makes a dent in this winter divorce misery.

Namaste!

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑