Abusive Relationships

Raw truths come in innocent, unexpected moments. They are frightening but never judgmental. Even though you ask why your life sucks, you tend to shove truths aside when they show up.

So, finding a way to listen when your true self-speaks, embracing the truths and acting on them are the most brutal, and most important things to do.

I took our puppies outside, obsessing over a fight with my husband. Hubby is sore spot in my life, on my heart. By sore spot I mean itchy and inflamed, the “he is incapable of empathy”, kind of sore. I’ve asked how to untangle myself from this on a daily basis.

This truth swept through my mind in a silent but devastating breath. Standing in the front yard, two puppies tugging in opposite directions on their leashes, my true self finally spoke up. It’s hard to listen to your true self because you need to trust that it’s her or him talking. But how do you know?

I am scared to own my life – As miserable as I am in this toxic relationship – if I just focus on my life, then failure is all mine, the result of my untethered decisions.

My mind was filled with my latest marriage drama … and then suddenly it wasn’t. The sun was setting. The street was empty. There wasn’t even a breeze to disturb so much as a hair on my head. The truth just walked in, bringing a calm sort of desolation and a taste of sadness. “If you leave – you’ll have all this space in your mind to focus on your life – make your own decisions.” I realized that this freedom, on some level, scared me. I would own my life and my own possible failure.

Whether my “self-esteem crisis” was a symptom of years of emotional abuse in this marriage, my previous marriage, or a scar from my childhood, owning my life felt cold and impossible. The truth has always been there – a glaring “should do, need to”. Like an uneasy sense that someone is watching.

I smiled, sad and oddly empowered; listening to my true self meant there was no going back to oblivious. You can’t un-know a truth. It’s what you do with it after that counts.

The dogs tugged harder on their leashes and the drama resumed its space in my mind. I went back inside the house, still obsessing over hurtful words, but with a changed perspective.

That truth changed the direction of my life. I started to detach from the blame and drama, stopped denying the fact that this marriage was abusive.

We all get tangled in our lives and or relationships. Our truths emerge during unexpected moments, so listening to them is critical. If a thought, a knowing, separates itself from the mental fray – stop and listen – it is your truth speaking.

I am a Colorado native, on my second marriage, raising three kiddos, trying to navigate the corporate world, fulfill my dreams, while keeping a thread of sanity. My life experiences are anything but ordinary – they are good, bad and ugly. Some are hilarious at the time, and some funny after. All are a means to grow!

This blog is meant to relate to woman of all ages and backgrounds who have life all figured out, pretend their life is all figured out or gave up pretending. I am proof that you are not alone. My greatest challenge is recovering from emotional/narcissistic abuse. This blog also speaks to those in abusive or challenging relationships, with empathy, tools to empower and the power of experience to relate. My mission is to show you, through my crazy life experiences, that we are all strong enough to conquer our fears, stand by our true self and laugh at ourselves along the way.

Namaste!

To feel stronger, I took his pictures down today and tore some of the cards he gave me in half. And, full disclosure here … threw away a pair of his underwear that was in the laundry. Throwing away his underwear felt better than anything.

It has only been a few days since my husband packed up the big television from the basement, took some of his clothes, and moved out of our house. Riding a roller coaster through a hurricane would be a smoother ride than this, even though my true self is saying a prayer of relief because there isn’t much of her left.

Divorcing someone you loved is tragic. Divorcing a narcissist is a different breed of hell. I imagined leaving this toxic marriage for over year – so his emotional affair with a twenty-four-year-old woman and moving out is a gift; a gift to me and my tattered soul. So, why am I destroyed? Anyone living with a narcissist/psychopath or partner with borderline personality disorder can relate to those emotions that one minute hold you up and the next cut you in half. I found a couple of ways to find peace until either the storm or the roller coaster ride ends. Hopefully they will give you peace too.

1. Don’t fight the emotions, they fight dirty. Emotions will win every time. We want to resist them, but they need to come out. The nasty urge to cry until you collapse hits in the oddest moments, made worse with helplessness and bewilderment from somewhere you didn’t know existed. One minute, you’re washing dishes, seeing your future much stronger and more peaceful future. The next minute, you’re thinking “What the hell”, asking how you will “Stay Calm and Chive On,” or if there was something you should have done differently.

2. It sucks, but sitting with those dark emotions awhile, acknowledging that they are here and will return. Accepting that emotions move through in waves makes their visit a little less pleasant. These emotions come from a toxic relationship. If you can think of them as releasing from your body, heart and soul, they become a good thing – even though they hurt like blazes.

3. Question what your broken mind or ego is telling you – literally. Question them out loud if that works. I have “I can’t do this, survive this, I’m dying,” moments at least 20 times a day. As a particularly harsh moment of ‘I can’t do life without him’ entered my mind, I followed the fear to the end. I looked at my life, all the things I’ve accomplished despite the constant criticism and snide comments, and said, “You’re doing life pretty good right now.” Imagine how far you’ll go not drowning in crazy-making drama. It worked!

A narcissist leaving is a good thing. A fantastic gift. When you are beaten down and your self-esteem is shredded, the gift is lost in the hurricane winds and the roller coaster gives you a permanent ‘stomach dropping’ feeling. The reason why is elusive. If you can accept that it hurts and sit with those emotions, they can become part of the healing and growth process.

Namaste!

Hot Mess Experiences

Inspiration for women in relationships, life, work and raising kids.

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