My Narcissistic Husband Discarded Me – Merry Christmas To Me

 My narcissistic husband leaving right before Christmas was his gift to me. My mind knows this, but my heart is still numb.  The criticism and negative energy is gone – and he’s not around to make snide comments or discuss his needs until I scream.  Somehow, I’m still expecting the “idealizer” to return and tell me it’s a crazy nightmare.  But the good guy never really existed, and I can’t return the “discarder’s” gift. On weak nights, I want to exchange it for my old life back.  I try not to judge myself on those nights.

I’m surviving Christmas on my own, raw and confused.   My mind tortures me by tearing apart the relationship piece by painful piece.  Something about closure.  He left in true narcissistic fashion, cold and cruel.   So, I used Christmas shopping as a distraction and decorated the house as if my heart wasn’t shattered.

His leaving is a gift because I wasn’t strong enough and my spirit wouldn’t have survived the toxic relationship another year with him.  The no contact, while excruciating, has allowed my true self to emerge.  She’s strong as hell and showing me how to survive this Christmas on my own.  There are gifts to open as I go – inner gifts of truth and a resilient soul.

Analyzing the marriage kept me tied to the narcissist’s reality, something that was never real – I needed to focus on how to heal and reconnecting to the parts of me I left behind.  The narcissist creates fear and desperation.  The best revenge, so to speak, is through inner strength – living a congruent life.  I was mad at myself for feeling anything but relief.  Pain was my enemy – but I was too tired to fight that enemy – I discovered the light on the other side of the dark thoughts.

These thoughts tortured me until I followed them through to the other side:

  1. Jealousy will eat me alive when he finds someone else or if he has already found someone else – the other side – his being with someone else doesn’t touch my life anymore
  2. The “nice guy” was an illusion, a lie – the other side – this is my chance to start over and find a man who has empathy, kindness, resonance and the ability to truly connect (When I get caught up remembering the painful experiences, I ask to attract the type of guy next time who gives me what I need)
  3. It’s so hard starting over – the other side – this is me being strong. Good things will enter my life now that the negative energy is gone.

With narcissistic abuse, it’s impossible to see through the pain, but their discard is a gift – giving you the distance needed to see their lies, the permission to feel your true feelings and the chance to heal what you need to heal to find a real good guy.

Namaste!!