To feel stronger, I took his pictures down today and tore some of the cards he gave me in half.  And, full disclosure here … threw away a pair of his underwear that was in the laundry.  Throwing away his underwear felt better than anything.

It has only been a few days since my husband packed up the big television from the basement, took some of his clothes, and moved out of our house.   Riding a roller coaster through a hurricane would be a smoother ride than this, even though my true self is saying a prayer of relief because there isn’t much of her left.

Divorcing someone you loved is tragic.  Divorcing a narcissist is a different breed of hell.  I imagined leaving this toxic marriage for over year – so his emotional affair with a twenty-four-year-old woman and moving out is a gift; a gift to me and my tattered soul.  So, why am I destroyed?  Anyone living with a narcissist/psychopath or partner with borderline personality disorder can relate to those emotions that one minute hold you up and the next cut you in half.  I found a couple of ways to find peace until either the storm or the roller coaster ride ends.  Hopefully they will give you peace too.

1. Don’t fight the emotions, they fight dirty.  Emotions will win every time.   We want to resist them, but they need to come out.   The nasty urge to cry until you collapse hits in the oddest moments, made worse with helplessness and bewilderment from somewhere you didn’t know existed.  One minute, you’re washing dishes, seeing your future much stronger and more peaceful future.   The next minute, you’re thinking “What the hell”,  asking how you will “Stay Calm and Chive On,” or if there was something you should have done differently.

2. It sucks, but sitting with those dark emotions awhile, acknowledging that they are here and will return.  Accepting that emotions move through in waves makes their visit a little less pleasant.  These emotions come from a toxic relationship.  If you can think of them as releasing from your body, heart and soul, they become a good thing – even though they hurt like blazes.

3. Question what your broken mind or ego is telling you – literally.  Question them out loud if that works.  I have “I can’t do this, survive this, I’m dying,” moments at least 20 times a day.   As a particularly harsh moment of ‘I can’t do life without him’ entered my mind, I followed the fear to the end.   I looked at my life, all the things I’ve accomplished despite the constant criticism and snide comments, and said, “You’re doing life pretty good right now.”  Imagine how far you’ll go not drowning in crazy-making drama.  It worked!

A narcissist leaving is a good thing.  A fantastic gift.  When you are beaten down and your self-esteem is shredded, the gift is lost in the hurricane winds and the roller coaster gives you a permanent ‘stomach dropping’ feeling.  The reason why is elusive.  If you can accept that it hurts and sit with those emotions, they can become part of the healing and growth process.

Namaste!